Hey Matt Walsh: Take it Easy on Young People

This week another Matt Walsh blog has been floating around my facebook newsfeed, and though I generally like the frankness of his writing, I really though this blog was more destructive than interesting. Matt was encouraging people in their 20's to get married and have babies- revolutionary, right? I think that this blog hit on a few of the key assumptions that I think are very destructive to our mission as Christians:

1. This (insert choice here) has worked really well for me, so clearly everyone should do it.
2. Oh, this choice doesn't fit you? Then clearly there is something really really wrong with you (because it couldn't possibly be my plan or perspective, which should fit everyone).

This set of moves in logic drives me absolutely nuts, as it tries to negate the many privilege you have that fuel your choices ("everyone should buy a Ferari, and if you don't, it must be because you are stupid") and the profound, deep, and beautiful differences between people (all of whom were made by the same God). As a 28 year old who is in fact married and having a baby, you would think I would support his argument, but I mostly think he is way off base this time. Here's why:

Walsh starts off his argument by saying that we are the most marriage-averse generation in history, and therefore our current behavior is another sign of society's destruction. I mean, we could spend a whole blog just talking about how narrow minded and historically incorrect that point is. Maybe he means in Western history? Judeo Christian history? Not to mention, if you measure marriage ages against average lifespans, we aren't that far off the general mark.

 Also, does being married at 25 really make you that radically different from your peers? I have a very large collection of bridesmaid dresses that beg to differ. If the social-expectation has changed, it hasn't done so in such a dramatic way that a married person in their mid-20's has become am exotic rare flower. Less marriages? Sure, yes. So much so that it deserves this sense of urgency? I don't thik so.

Walsh sees the institution of marriage as "integral to our advancement" as a species, and again, he isn't wrong (I mean, if we all suddenly stopped being able to reproduce Children of Men style, we would be in trouble), but the situation also does seem more complex than that. We are one of the first generations who can clearly see the cost of very dense human populations on the world's resources, and I think you could make the argument that taking it slightly easier on reproducing can be beneficial to the ever-growing population of unwanted children (I know at least two unrelated people who chose to adopt rather than marry and bear children) as well as the potential problems of population overgrowth. Maybe Matt Walsh is in the "Global Warming, who?" pack of Christians, and I can actually respect that, but there is an absolute arrogance to suggesting that the duggars are doing the world 19 times the favor by having way more kids, using way more resources, and announcing their pregnancies 10 minutes after conception.

I also think he is only talking about marriage as the heteronormative privilege (hence the extreme focus on child-making), leaving out the fact that not everyone can get married. Just the choice is a privilege many still don't have, and I don't think that should be forgotten here.

Marriage and kids obviously doesn't have to mean super-spawning, but the starting suggestion that we are self-destructing because we aren't all hankering to populate the Earth might have as much to do with what the world looks like (I mean, most of us also aren't living agrarian lifestyles, and therefore don't need to produce our own workforce) as a generational attitude.


Matt implores us, his friends, to not be afraid of marriage. I think that's a fair enough request. Avoiding anything because you are afraid of it is a pretty sad and self-defeating way to live. But so is doing things just because you think it is what you are "supposed to do." Again, not everyone even can do it, so the access to it is not as simple or self-evident as the essay suggests. He seems to only be writing to people who are just like him, meaning they probably also think just like him already.

I am married. I am going to have a baby, so I can't say "oh this institution is bunk." I like being married so far, and I do think everyone should have the choice to do it. But I can also recognize that I benefit from a lot of privileges that make the choice available and just doable. So here are a few factors I think Matt got wrong or should consider more fully:

1. Not everyone needs marriage- Matt points out early in the article that he lived completely on his own and then with a spouse. He prefers living with his wife over living alone. Awesome. I am happy for you, but is it not possible that some people might actually enjoy being alone more? I mean, you can find these figures in the Bible, so we know it isn't the only available focus. I also completely believe that God gives a lot of important and loving relationships in our life; it is cool when we can have a spouse who fits in that category, but to not notice the other hugely important bonds you have in your life is kind of ungrateful. Siblings, friends, and room mates can hold equally important positions in a heart. These other relationships and priorities can require equal commitment and labor, but it may not look as conventional from the outside. Again, just because this one source works for you does not mean that is the case for everyone.

2. "Just be more Mature" is not Helpful Advice- A number of Matt's points (1, 3, and 5) suggest that you can't wait until you have your life/ money/ career totally worked out before you get married because that will never happen. In theory, I actually totally agree with that; my experience with adulthood so far is that no one ever knows what the heck they are doing, so you have to take some leaps before you totally understand the situation, or you will stand still your whole life. Truth.

On the other (very important) hand, we are not projects for another person to fix. No one is ever going to help you get to a good point with yourself, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all. You will keep growing and changing, and the amazing trick of lasting marriages is somehow coordinating that change, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be good with who you are at the starting gate. If you get married too early in your 20's, you cut off those few years where you don't owe your choices to parents or your spouse. You only have a teeny window to factor only yourself into that equation, and though that time isn't necessary for everyone, it is essential for others. It doesn't make you selfish to want to have independent growth, it is selfish to expect someone else to take care of that growth for us. Taking your time and making the decision with some experience behind it could show more respect for the decision.

3. Priorities aren't necessarily jumbled because they don't look like yours- Yeah, you basically do need money (and basic money-handling skills) to be married! I love that he feels like people aren't getting married because they want to buy iphones. How condescending can you be, man? Money is a tremendously stressful part of our lives, and in general, many people don't get into the jobs they want or trained for until struggling through free labor and minimum wage situations. Bringing in that level of stress to a marriage shows a lack of maturity to me, if anything. Feeding 2 people costs more than one, and even if you can minimize that impact as you add more and more, but it doesn't change the fact that you need to figure out how to feed one first. 

I would say the key positive advice here is to take the time to know what your priorities are, because spending money on stuff that isn't even that important to you is easy to fall into. I know that I have trouble sometimes accepting other people's priorities, but you don't get to say someone else is being selfish just because they don't do life like you do. I can remember on more than one occasion a friend telling me they can't travel like we do because they are married/ have a baby/ aren't rich like us. We prioritized travel for a long time (giving up lots of other things), because we valued our relationships with our extended family that much. We could have gotten married and started spawning sooner if we didn't want to see our grandmas multiple times a year, but that isn't who we are, and I have no interest in apologizing for it. Nor do I think anyone else should. If you want an iphone, or a trip to France, or to be able to volunteer and go on mission trips more than you want to be married, why would that be a bad thing?

4. The Right One (Soulmate, One and Only, etc) does not Exist, but there are Plenty of Wrong Ones- I don't believe in soul mates or the One, and I also do think it can create a situation where you can hand off responsibility to fate when maybe taking care of your relationship would be a healthier course. At the same time, just because there isn't a One and Only doesn't mean any interested applicant would fit just fine. As a kid, I thought you could make it work with anyone if you wanted it bad enough, but that assumption is totally and ridiculously wrong. Compatible communication styles matter. Shared values matter. Please, for goodness sakes, be choosy and don't hand your heart off to anyone who shows interest. Finding a good partner, who you really can be friends with, seems way more important to me than just locking something down.

5. Boooooo Lame Tropes about Biology- I have generally enjoyed Matt Walsh because he seems deeply respectful of the women in his life, but all of number 7 is a straight-to-all-you-vagina-carriers  bummer. It again suggests that there is one path to reproduction and nothing else matters, when that clearly isn't the case for SO MANY PEOPLE. Not to mention this kind of "have your babies now or you NEVER GET BABIES" narrative is not only false, but it traps women back into some Susie Homemaker role. I agree that our biology is not a mistake, but I don't agree that just because pregnancy at 22 is the path of least biological resistance means it is the right (or even available) choice for someone else. I love living in a world where multiple routes to parenthood exists, and I wish Matt was a lot more open-minded on this front. Pregnancy and parenting are hard on your mind, your body, and your time. Someone has to take care of that tiny person, and it is a simultaneously selfless and totally selfish thing to devote time you could be giving to others to a tiny person that continues your own "legacy." If you want to invest your body or time or things elsewhere, I say phooey on anyone who makes you feel bad about it (I also say phooey on anyone who tries to make you feel bad for choosing to have kids). You only have so much effort and time, that is absolutely true, but creating some arbitrary finish lines robs you of the value of what you are doing now. And on that note...

6. Maybe marriage and parenthood will be the best adventure of your life. Or it could be going to nurse children's heart surgeries in Africa. Or writing your first book. Or becoming a badass embroidery artist. Or curing cancer. Or going on a balloon journey across the ocean-  I am glad that Matt is so happy with his choice, and that it has proven to be so exciting and enriching for him. But I am not Matt. And neither are any of you. So have the adventures you want to have, because really, if your dream is to build the Eiffel Tower out of dry spaghetti or make the next great American film, or lobby against handguns or for animal shelters, or speak 10 languages, those are all pretty awesome adventures too. I want to hear all about those. Even if you get married and have kids, please have your adventures too. I hate the suggestion that the dream of a family should trump all other dreams. In relationships, you have to have your own interests and growth to keep bringing something fresh to the table; I can't see why that wouldn't be the same for families.

7. No, You aren't your Parents. But then again, you kind of are (and no matter what, you are carrying a bunch of their nonsense with you)- Matt happily owns that his parents remain married, then suggests that many of us poor millenials are "jaded" by our unhappy childhoods. I find it interesting that Matt feels we were victimized by our "selfish, immature parents" while simultaneously suggesting we get married sooner (wouldn't it be better not to reproduce until some of that selfishness was worked out?). But I would argue that so many adults whose parents were divorced aren't jaded, but take deeply seriously the incredible challenges marriage brings with it. This business is incredibly difficult, and you put everything you are on the line to make it work. We see how crushing it is to everyone when it fails, and I have had so many long, deep conversations about how we can do it differently, but also how we know we are the same. Matt chalks it all up to our parents' choices, but from my perspective, sometimes a bad fit doesn't immediately reveal itself. Or not everyone is in on the choice to dissolve a marriage. A partnership can promote a lot of growth, but the destruction of one leaves scars forever, and pretending they don't exist is a fool's game.

Not to mention, if you haven't lived in a household with a happy marriage at the center of it, you have to author your own idea of what a happy marriage would even look like. In some ways, I think this is incredibly freeing, but building something totally new just takes longer than taking a path that you've already seen work.

Couldn't it be that our generations isn't being flippant or selfish or even afraid, but that we are taking the institution of marriage more seriously by taking our time, making informed decisions, and choosing a path that specifically fits our understandings of ourselves? I am the same age as Matt Walsh and stand on the other end of my 20's just like him. I just don't think there is a wrong way to do it as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others. I am excited and encouraged to see all of the ways people get from here to there, and I feel relieved that there is no one finish line we are all racing toward. Everyone gets to make their own path and design their own life the way that best suits them, and in general, I see people taking that responsibility very seriously (and no, not just in some naval-gazing way, but asking great questions about who they are so they can really give to others). We are also one of the most volunteering generations since that history has been documented, and I don't think that is unrelated to the same trends Matt bemoans.

I understand that when you like the way things are going, you want so badly for everyone to get to feel that same joy, but I think essays like these make the mistake of taking that instinct too far. Someone making another choice doesn't make your choice (or theirs) bad. The beauty of reaching your 20's is that we are each fulfilling our own goals, so grading someone else by your rubric of happiness or priorities becomes completely (and thankfully) ineffective. So get married if you want (I never turn down an occasion for cake), or don't, or do it later, or do it once everyone can do it. I think we can each individually put goodness, selflessness, and love into the world in a way that fits exactly the person God made them into, and that's a beautiful miracle, not a threat. 







 -

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Ten Things I Wish We Knew Before Making our Baby Registry

Picture Credit- Jenny Bickel Photography

Being prego is obviously exciting, but it also turns out to be a lot of research. It's kind of like trying to prepare for a vacation where you don't know where you are going. It's a shot in the dark, and you can ask around for clues, but you really don't know. When you register for a wedding, you have some vague idea of how to adult, but this is totally different. I know we had no idea what the hell we needed, and my mom showed up the week before the Bub came and filled in a bunch of blanks we hadn't thought of.

Because it's a shot in the dark, we made mistakes, and if I could do it all over again, I would have registered and shopped in such a different way. Learn from my mistakes! This is how I would do it now that I know better:

1. Play the Long Game

 When you are going through it the first time, it can be easy to focus on maybe the next month or so. I mean, we were basically in survival mode for a while. But they grow, and way faster than you are expecting. You can save some money and a whole lot of waste by looking a little further ahead. If you register for baby stuff, ONLY register for 6-9 or 9-12. People will buy you the smaller sizes without encouragement, but those sizes last such a short time (maybe only a month or two), then you look around and you don't have anything to put your baby in. It works this way for everything- the early months seem like you need a lot, but really they are happy with your boob and cuddles, so try to play a longer game.

I will try to point out stuff as we go through the Baby Registry, but off the top of my head, I do recommend registering for larger sizes, bigger bottles and sippy cups, and the larger car seat. That first birthday may seem a long way away right now, but what were you doing a year ago this week? Things move quickly!

And while we are at it, when your nunjas explode and you need a new bra, just buy nursing bras (my suggestion? Bella Materna. Steep but great). When buying maternity clothes, buttoned up chests are perfect. I was back in maternity clothes and expanded stuff for probably the first three months after the Bub was born (they call it the 4th trimester), so that maternity clothes you buy early on can have a lot of use later. Especially if you think ahead.

2.Consignment is your New Best Friend (and You Can Say So)

Before you have a baby, people will tell you they go through things fast, and you kind of get it, but nothing teaches the lesson like when they grow out of their size before you even use all of the super cute outfits you have. 0-3 for us was brutal, because he was out of it by two months. This super quick turnover means somebody spent a bunch of money on nothing.What a waste of money AND clothing! Our country makes tons of textile garbage; the average American throws away 65 pounds of clothing a year- new parents jack up this number. Not only can you save epic amounts of money by buying 80-90% consignment (we save at least half of our clothing budget), but you can minimize that huge pouring into landfills.

The biggest baby clothing companies- Carter's and Gerber- have very sketchy labor policies and environmental impact. And not a thread is stitched in the US. I know before I had the Bub, I poured over Carter's stuff at every store. I picked stuff I loved, and once he was here, I noticed everyone had the same outfits! Trust me, nothing you put your baby in will be cuter than your baby, so you don't have to be "on trend."

If you can buy essentially the same onesie in a kids consignment store for a third of the price, save one more onesie from being in a landfill, and give unethical companies 10 dollars less, it can only be a win. You are making the world a little better for your baby and save SO MUCH money that can go to their future. I only wish I had started sooner.

You shouldn't feel ashamed to let your family know that a great consignment sleeper makes a  completely awesome gift. One of our friends here just put on her invitation that they were trying to cut down their environmental impact, so please buy used clothes for the gift. Will someone roll their eyes? Yes, definitely. But people roll their eyes at me and this blog everyday, and alas, I carry on. This approach to baby clothes will make you more sane, and I promise you will find so much cute stuff.

3. Glass not Plastic- Wood, not Plastic

You will find bottles that claim to be BPA-free, but recent studies show that the BPA substitutes can be just as bad. Plastic is toxic and nasty, so you can do a lot for your child's health by avoiding it whenever possible. Plus, using plastic is just another way to add waste to the world your child will someday inherit from you. We love our Evenflo and Lifefactory glass bottles, and we can reuse them all for as many spawn as we have, then pass them on to someone else to use. No leeching. No contorting in the dishwasher. We even got the Lifefactory sippy lids and use them as sippy cups now.

In the same vein, don't register for toys that have lots of plastic attached- look for wooden teethers and toys instead, because everything will be going in that precious little nugget's mouth before you know it (just watch out for Melissa and Doug, they aren't any better than Fisher Price). They love chewing on everything. Because babies are sometimes assholes who flip your purse and try to eat your change (true story).  Minimize the potentially toxic chemicals by opting out of plastic whenever you can (and hide your pennies).

4. Wipe Warmers= Not Worth it

 You will get so much advice about things you "need" that you may never use (and might melt a piece of your furniture, not that I am bitter or anything). It can be tempting to follow every piece of advice, because you have no idea what the hell you are doing. But preparing for every possibility will leave you broke with a house full of junk you will never use. It's not worth it.

 It's not that you may not need those "needs," but babies, like all people, are greatly individual and variable. Each one comes with their own set of ticks and preferences, and you can wait to see who they are before trying to attend to needs that just don't exist. There will still be stores once your bub arrives, so if you aren't sure, just wait.

5. Neither are 14 Kinds of Swaddle Blankets

You need two kinds. Three if you have cold weather coming.

Muslin blankets for swaddling (Aden and Anais are all the rage, but they aren't ethical. Check this blog for your many options).
Fuzzy blankets if it is cold (I like Swaddle Designs blankets).
And the wonderful handmade blankets your family and friends will make you.

That's it. Don't get conned into the combo kits with swaddles in them. Those swaddle blankets are always crappy anyway. Just avoid sets.

6.There are Eco-friendly and American-made options for everything on your list

 I wish, more than anything, that I had realized how many options I had before I registered for baby. Now that I see him, I want to make the world a little bit better for him every day, and I think a lot of what we bought and registered for earlier on could have had much more positive impact. We got so many "Made in China" Fisher Price things that I see in our baby consignment shop all the time. We wasted so much money on clothes that we would never buy now. We shelled out for toys that he never cared about. We got strollers that were made in China when American-made options were out there.

The truth is, I just never thought about it. I never thought about being eco-friendly, and I just assumed every option was "Made in China." Sure, if I knew that I had a choice between Made in China or America, I would choose America, but I didn't even realize there was an option. Even eco-friendly lists mostly highlight the toxicity you don't want for your child (see- minimize plastic!), and it isn't clear what the most eco-friendly options would be for the world around them.

Options exist. They may not be easy to find, but that's why I am here.

There is always an option. I made the Baby Registry specifically so that these other, so much more eco-friendly, options are clearly available. You can cross check anything on your list with my Eco-Friendly and Made in America Baby Registry to have a registry you can really feel good about. Don't make my mistake!

How many opportunities do you have in life to make a bunch of purchase choices at once? That means you can put all those purchases (by you and your family) towards your baby's needs and your baby's world. These kinds of moments don't come by often. Caring is worth doing, making the switches does good, and you can do this.

7. Don't Be Scared

I am not going to say be confident, you're not an idiot, because most likely you are. Most likely we are too all over again. You are planning for a person you haven't met- there's no way to do that well. There's no reason to know these things, so be sure you have a small army of friends (or one really great one, Rochelle) who already knows what is good.

Ask lots of questions. Ask about wipe warmers. If you ask 3 people and they all say you definitely need something (like a crib or a carrier) you probably do. If there is debate, skip it. If you aren't sure whether you will be a baby wearer or stroller pusher, try to find a wrap used. You can always get something nicer once you know firsthand, but you know yourself and which advice might be worth following. Women chomp at the bit to share baby knowledge, so never be embarrassed to ask other new moms you trust.

Side note, the urge to share advice never goes away, but mommy brain smooths out edges. It's encouraging really that moms look back on things as easier than they were and are (I know it happens, because my toddler has helped block out some miserable infant months of sleep deprivation), but trust me, their kids were not perfect. Grain of salt it, because those memories are sea glass.

You will learn it all so soon. No need to overcompensate because you aren't sure yet. You got this.

8. Join a Buy Nothing Group. Don't Have one? Start one

Since joining Buy Nothing when The Bub was five or six months old, our family has probably saved at least 700 dollars we would have spent. We have received almost all of the Bub's toys, a playplace in the backyard (didn't end up working out, but still), a dining room table, swim diapers, and tons of clothes. I imagine we have saved much more than that. That's a plane ticket. We have also given away that much in stuff, which means our house is never quite as bogged down by baby stuff.

I can't tell parents enough- join your local Buy Nothing group.

Don't have one where you are? Check and see if there is a freecycle group or another option. But really, make the world (and your community) better by starting one. It's a pain upfront, but by the time baby is eating solids, you will have a huge resource at your fingertips.

Babies create a constant turnover in stuff, and joining a Buy Nothing means that you are connected to parents with slightly older and slightly younger children. It means someone has what you need or someone needs what you no longer want, and you can connect easily (and meet! So nice). Even when you don't have anything you need that day, it will make your life better. It's like having random acts of mommy kindness on your newsfeed everyday.

9. Play the Even Longer Game

 Planning on spawning more than once? Then you aren't registering for your baby, you are registering for your babies. Resist the urge to register for anything gender-specific (trust me, someone will get you a sexist, heteronormative, and lame onesie anyway) or made so cheaply it couldn't possibly make it through multiple spawn (looking at you, Gerber- every onesie we got has holes in it now).

We are looking down the barrel at infant #2, and we really don't need much. People keep saying it is because we are having another boy spawn, but the real trick is to buy (and register for) as many versatile pieces as you can. We gave about half Bub One's clothes away when he grew out of them, and gender neutral pieces always made the A team that stayed. As we got better at it, the clothes also mostly avoid too specific gender connotations. Buy stuff that isn't junk (see also; made in America) and don't monogram it or something silly like that.

10. Trix are for Kids. Diaper Bags are for Grown Ups

Baby stuff is so cute. No debating it. And it can be tempting to opt for a diaper bag that looks as adorable as everything else on your list. Don't match the bag to the task, match the bag to your style. If you are cutesy and such, by all means get the bag with Winnie the Pooh or ducks on it. For the rest of us, register for something that looks like a bag you would carry everyday for the next two years of your life. Because that is what you are actually dealing with.

My favorite recommendation is a bag from Oliday, because I had one of their camera bags and it lasted so long. They are simple and neutral, but they also offer backpack options, which does make life way easier as the bub gets bigger.  Tom Bihn makes a well-loved and sportier option. Christy Studio has simple options too. There are so many out there, so be sure to get something you love. Best case scenario, you only have to buy one.




Ah, life experience and wisdom. I wish I had more, but hopefully this is at least a little bit helpful for the expectant moms and dads out there. Do better than I did! And do it for that tiny person, because eventually you will be fond of them, and therefore won't want them to be the boneless garbage people in Wall-E. Please, help me keep our world from being the world in Wall-E. Cute robots aren't worth it.

Interested in more Ethical, Green, and Made in America shopping? Check out my Giant List of Shopping Lists to find all kinds of cool shopping alternatives!

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Little Green Dress- What Works to Wear While Nursing

While you are pregnant, you hear over and over that you look beautiful and that you are doing something miraculous. Fourth trimester, not so much. The only real impulse we see toward the fourth trimester is to render it invisible- the idea is that infant mothers should stay home, put their boobs away, and get back to their "pre-baby bodies" as quickly as possible.

Well, excuse me for existing. Let me just put on my invisibility cloak.

 If 4th trimester mamas have any kind of fashion profile, I would guess it is old pajamas with baby puke on it and unwashed hair. I can still remember going to our infant care class, and while watching the movie (made ten to fifteen years ago), being horrified at the ridiculous black hole of sexiness that were the women nursing. I mean, nipples take on a new role after you see them in a nursing diagram. Also, God bless all participants for being willing to be filmed in their sad pajamas. Now, the second time around, I know there is some truth to the horrors of the sad jammies, but not as much as you would think.

The fourth trimester is not the sad, banal pass through people make it out to be.

Women in their 4th trimester are still pretty damn miraculous. They made a person, they got that person out, and now their body is healing and changing all over again. Not to mention their body somehow can make enough food to be the only thing their baby needs to start their life. Did you know breast milk can actually help heal the baby? Forget hiding- those things deserve their own parade!

I don't want to spend the next six months feeling like a walking nipple diagram, and I am not going into hiding either.I have done this once already, and I know some of this is inevitable, but I don't think I spent those post-partum months looking like a dirty pile of laundry. That's just a bummer. I also don't want to leave my house looking like I am sleepwalking, even if that isn't that far from the truth.


With all of the writing on what to wear while pregnant, you can't find much at all about how to rock the new mom phase (true for non-nursers as well). I think the general sentiment is that it is ok to give up at this juncture, but I refuse! That being said, most of the last month and a half, I have looked like this:

The trick is to find a balance between that comfort/ convenience and to treat yourself as beautiful, because you still are. If pregnant bodies are beautiful and miraculous, so is the body you have now (maybe even more so).  I have learned some things  about what works for nursing and transitioning other than my eeyore pajama pants (super sad. also, I am wearing them as I write this). Nursing poses all sorts of challenges, so I would love to hear what works for you as well! These are my best tips for dressing in those first few months:

1. Thred Up is your New Best Friend- The first time around, I bought a pile of cheapo clothes from Old Navy in a larger size to get me through. It makes sense- your regular clothes and most of your maternity stuff won't work, but you will be back to something more familiar before you know  it, so why waste a bunch of money? A couple of reasons. First, the phase might go longer than you think (or you could be back here again), so the jeans I bought (and a few tops) fell apart so much that I can't use them again. Secondly, Old Navy's clothes are so cheap because they take advantage of cheap and unethical labor- it's just not worth it.

Instead, I highly recommend buying anything you need for this stage at the thrift store. Don't have a good one nearby? Or (more likely) don't have the time for excessive browsing now? Then try Thread Up. I bought every piece for this phase from them this time. I love what I got, it's well-made, it was cheaper than a lot of what I got last time, and I can feel alright if it comes to an untimely (or pukey) end. Fit is going to be a moving target anyway, so I highly recommend buying your new mom wear used,

2. Embrace the Button Up- In the previously mentioned nipple horror film, the new moms were whipping themselves out from the bottom of their shirts. I refuse to give gravity any help, so my boobs only travel upwards. Because of this, there are two options- low cut tops and button-ups. I also have ginormous unruly boobs, constantly trying to find my babies as if he is Sauron and they are the ring. So I have found Buttons are a nursing woman's best friend, that she can free herself in minutes while flashing slightly fewer people. So far, my favorites are long tunics with buttons and soft stretchy jeans or leggings. I even do dresses with buttons.



3. Belts- Yep, they still help. A good investment that can move through sizes with you. Waists are everyone's friend. Just make sure they are easy to get off so you can be comfy while nursing.

from https://www.etsy.com/transaction/238927482

4. Nursing Covers Masquerading as Scarves- Have you seen most nursing covers? They look like puppet theaters mated with seafood restaurant bibs.I don't want to fight with them,  but I would like there to be at least a few people on this Earth who I haven't flashed. Even just one. I found nursing covers on etsy that on first glance just look like infinity scarves but are big (and thin) enough to make really great covers. I also love these ones from Covered Goods, which have a little more stretch (perfect at certain moments).

Even though I am not new at nursing, the Baby Bear is, so I like being able to see him and help him.Plus, these minimize our baggage, which is the key to active and sane parenting. So, if I want to breastfeed in the middle of Seattle Center while eating a doughnut, I can.

5. Hats and Boots- I don't skip showers often, but they do sometimes land in the evening and both boys have  started his day by spitting up in my hair (and the Mom haircut suddenly makes sense). Hats really help cover that mess up. Both hats and boots can make any outfit look like you did it on purpose.In the right, I am literally wearing pajamas, but I look moderately functional, right?

 

5. Stepped Up Sweats- Modcloth has a series of sweater/ sweatshirts in a bunch of colors called Airport Greeting Cardigan that I swear was designed for nursing.  It has a nice drape so it looks more like you aren't wearing cozy home clothes, the zipper means you can get it off quickly (and it still looks nice open if you aren't quite there yet), and it fasten off the center of your body, so your spawn doesn't get uncomfortable zipper face. It's not cheap, but they always have it in some colors, and lower selling colors are often on sale. I got a charcoal one and liked it so much that The Boy got me an oatmeal one for Christmas.

 6. Long Tank Tops- The last thing you need to mess with when nursing is your butt hanging out. They can also be nice to just feel like everything is held in. I love the tank tops from M Rena; they are soft, extra long, and made in America! Nothing like a practical buy that helps an American business.

 7. Don't Be Too Quick to Turn in your Maternity Clothes- Everybody loses weight in different ways, and there is no shame in getting a little more of your money's worth out of what you bought before digging through what has long been put away. When planning for the fourth trimester, assume you will use the 2nd trimester clothes again (if you are really on point, buy pregnancy clothes that will work for nursing.

Both times in the first few weeks after the birth, I lost more than half of the weight I gained (we'll call this the Baby and Support chunk), the other bit didn't budge (I will guess that is the cookie weight, and it was worth it). This time, I know once I hit a certain point, the weightloss will be slow and just happen as I can be more active. It would be great to bounce back into my normal clothes, but that's fruitless energy to worry about. It turns out that my maternity jeans are way more kind to c-section scars, and a couple of my stretchy, buttoned maternity tops have been the best for yanking out the nunjas. I also like the feeling of my tummy being supported right now. I won't retire my maternity jeans for at least 3 to 5 months.

8. Bras make all the difference- Do not buy anything that looks less powerful than your regular bra. Medela and others sell "Night" bras that basically are built like a training bra. That's nonsense. I had one, it was horrible on all counts. Save your money.

Snaps in the straps (no one needs to struggle here), snaps in the back (don't fall for the sports bra business, because your boobs will resemble James's Giant Peach), and don't have an underwire (ow).  This has been the magic formula for me. I like Bella Materna bras, though I think most are imported now.

9. Maxi Dresses- Comfy and you look put together with minimal effort. I recommend wrap dresses for work or more formal events where your boobs still need an easy exit. I still wear my Breezy Night Stroll dress every week.

10. Bring Yourself a  Change of Clothes- Trust me. Just go get a dark colored maternity t shirt, put it in a bag with back ups for everyone else, and put it in the trunk of your car or basket of your stroller. You will get puked on. Just be prepared.

I hope this helps some poor souls like me who want the internet's help in strategizing their boob cover.  I know I said I am trying to avoid excuses, but if you just had a baby, you just had a freaking baby. If you aren't a celebrity who creepily bounces back into their bikini, or you have a colicky baby, or you just don't care, more power to you- you just had a freaking baby.

You aren't obligated to look pretty or disappear or do anything regarding your looks- you just had a baby for goodness sakes!

 The most important thing, I think, is not forgetting about yourself in all the craziness. I like putting a little thought into this, because it is easy for me to let self-care slide completely. Everybody gets through this phase in different ways, so I would like to hear your strategies!

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An Earth-Friendly, American-Made Baby Registry- Pregnancy, Delivery, and the 4th Trimester

Congratulations, you are going to spawn! When you get pregnant, it doesn't take long before you realize that having a baby takes a lot of stuff. A whole lot of stuff.

 If you are trying to be Earth-friendly, this can cause a real dilemma- you are about to get a whole bunch of items that you might only use for a month or two, and a lot of it is made cheaply (meaning some super sketchy labor policies, non-recyclable materials, all sorts of nonsense). If you are trying to encourage American labor, this can be tricky as well, since most major baby clothing brands are made elsewhere. This is the bad news.

The good news is that it can be done! Welcome to the Earth-Friendly and American-Made Baby Registry.

I wish I had realized how many possibilities there are when we made our registry, so this is what I have learned along the way. I will also try to mention products I have really loved, because I know I looked for that when I was perusing mommy blogs to make our registry. Not everything will be perfect, but you can make many choices in baby preparation that do a little bit for the world before your baby even gets here! 

The first huge step you can take toward buying ethically for your baby is when you are planning his or her space and making your registry. You can't control everything that your family and friends buy you for your future spawn (you will get at least one onesie with "Mommy's future ballerina" or "Future Slugger" on it. I am sorry, but we all live through it), but you can try to be strategic about what you ask for. First, think about how you group what you need: 

1. Can you re-use something else to fill that purpose? Old shelves might work for toys or an old dresser for a changing table with a little creativity and a fresh coat of paint. Think creatively about your nursery, because you may have a lot of what you need already.

2. Can I buy it (or be gifted it) used? This is HUGE for clothes. Baby consignment stores are relatively easy to find, and there are usually sizable collections of baby clothes at Goodwill and the like. Gifting economies (like the Buy Nothing Project) have baby clothes up for grabs almost everyday. You can't stop other people, but you can commit to cutting out most new clothes from your own purchases. We can talk more about this later.

 Go see your local consignment places first, because you may be surprised. We got our changing pads there, as well as blankets (those Aden and Anais ones that people love, as well as the little ones with animal heads, which are great but super creepy), toys, and books. Join your Buy Nothing Project (or start one!)- we have already lent out a swing and a bouncer (both of which are absolutely essential for about 5 minutes, and then you never use it again). 

3. Can I find it made in the USA or out of Sustainable materials? Your priorities are your own, but I will try to give you a heads up on some of the products and companies that are more ethical and responsible.

4. Can I find it Open Box? You can also usually find "Open Box" versions on many of the big baby products on Amazon, meaning someone returned it almost immediately, but everything is in place. Once you are filling those gaps in your registry, this can be a Godsend, because they are always cheaper and it keeps the world from being filled with stuff people aren't using. 

So, if you have a dresser that you can use for a changing table, don't register for a changing table! And if you find a good baby bathtub in a consignment store, don't register for that either! Without further ado, these are some of the good options we found (and I will try to at least mention other ethical, green, or American-made products and you can report back if you liked them):

The first step for many (though not all) of us, most of which happens before you even start your baby wishlist, is taking care of yourself, before, during, and after that big day where a bunch of strangers hang out around your business (ah, the memories). This can get overlooked, but let's take a minute and focus on that, because you do make a lot of little purchases, and they do matter.

while you are prego 

Baby Books (used)-  What to Expect is good to have, but you probably don't need to buy it fresh when there are hundreds of copies waiting to get love again (and I bet you will use websites and apps more). You could also check your local library for some of that wisdom. If you think something is particularly great- buy it! You can also get the digital version if you love trees, but also want to pay people for their intellectual contribution.

Belevation from Amazon

Belly Band (used)- The Ingrid and Isabel model is genius, but it is also imported. Check out your consignment store for these gems, because really, what else are people going to use them for? So you can find them in most baby consignment stores that sell maternity clothes or even thread up. A belly band and a hair band can keep you regular clothes lasting so much longer. Ingrid and Isabel's are now imported, so if you need to get one new, I recommend Belevation or My Bella Mama.

Belly Care (new)- The effectiveness of these things is pretty well-debated. but I loved the way it felt, and I made it through without stretch marks. Two of the brands I loved and used are made in the US; Burt's Bee's Mama Bee Belly Butter (I used this most days after the shower, and if nothing else it felt good and smelled great) and Mother's Special Blend (mostly after the fact).

Other Options- Bobbie's Belly and Body Balm, Best Nest Wellness, Nine Naturals, Midwife and Mum Belly Butter, Baby Belly Bar, Green Earth Naturals, Empire Squid, Wandering Mom Shop (this one looks especially great), and Earth Wise Skincare Co

from Neodesigner

Body Pillows, Support Bands and Ginger Pops (just wait)- As soon as you are pregnant, it's tempting to address all the crazy symptoms you might have. But you won't have all of them. In fact, most pregos don't even get most of them. Address your discomforts as they come! Your pregnancy will be all your own.

If you do decide one (or all) of these are needs, I have you covered. For a body pillow, I have used a giant stuffed fish, which I highly recommend, but if you can't find one (and you dont want to buy the Made in China Boppy pillows- why does a pillow ever need to be imported?)- Neodesigner, Leachco, Coop Home Goods, SnugglePedic, Relax Home Life, Five Diamond Collection, and Millas World.

Support bands will supposedly help your back if you are having a lot of pain. You have a few Made in the USA options, though you might try a friend's first to see if it helps- Gabrialla, Bao Bei Maternity (for sports), Underworks, or Alpha Medical.

Ginger Pops can be a lifesaver for nausea, so it might be a good first stop before considering medication.Eco-friendly brands? Preggie Pops and Tummy Drops,

Clothing (mostly used, just a few pieces new)- Contrary to popular belief, many of us can go a pretty long time before calling in the maternity clothes. Also good to know is that most baby consignment stores have small maternity sections. The first time, I spent too much on clothes. This time, I mostly filled my closet with used clothes. Name brand stuff too! If you make your wardrobe with secondhand pieces, you can focus your money on key pieces.

My essential list for maternity clothing is pretty short- 1-2 pairs of jeans, 1 stretchy maxi skirt, 5 shirts, 2-3 casual dresses, 1 nice dress, and 3 pairs of leggings.

Where can you find solid, made in America pieces? Both Motherhood Maternity and A Pea in the Pod have Made in the USA filters so you can find things easily. Etsy has tons of t-shirt, robe, and maternity dress options, so it is worth looking there. Another great place to look is Pink Blush Maternity- not everything is made in the US (you have to check) but much of it is and they have extended sizes compared to lots of other places.

I like Bun Maternity's choices for ponchos and sweatshirts. Majamas sells all kinds of maternity pajamas.

-One Pair of Jeans- These pregnancy jeans were made in the US by AG Jeans, and are my favorite jeans I have ever owned. Writing this, I kind of miss these jeans. They seem expensive for maternity clothes, but they got constant use and stayed out the longest of all my maternity clothes.

To add, for my second time around, I bought another pair of American-made maternity jeans from J Brand, and they are still great but they are TIGHT. I would recommend sizing up for sure. These jeans I bought are expensive, but I wore that one pair of maternity jeans constantly (even past being pregnant), so it felt like a solid investment. If you just can't on jeans you won't wear long, go to a local baby consignment store- ours has so many you can ask to see more if you can't find ones you want. My best advice is to go stretchy and to make sure you know your preference about how much of your belly is covered.

- One Fancy Dress- This dress was another huge winner which has since been passed around to prego neighbors. Nothing should be called flattering when you carry a giant cauldron on your front, but damn this dress is flattering. From Ingrid and Isabel (not everything is from China), and you can tell they know their way around a prego- slightly longer but flowy sleeves, empire waist, and a great view of some oversized nunjas.

This year, I bought three casual dresses used, but I did splurge on one Rachel Pally dress. This one isn't it, but I do love what I got (and it is made in the US). If you are going to splurge, you need to find things you feel genuinely beautiful in.

- A Few Versatile Pieces- Say it with me- Maxi dress. You can buy a few pieces that give you space in that first trimester that will stretch as you grow and make for good wear when the baby comes. I love a good Made in America maxi from Modcloth. I have the Breezy Night Stroll dress, but you do what works for you.

-Some Shapewear- This sounds like a joke, but it is nice to have some things that hold you in. For me, I just wanted something to keep my giant prego thighs separate so I could still walk everywhere. Belevation has great options, and they are all made here.

Nursing Bras (new) - You think this is something to worry about late in pregnancy, but as soon as you are thinking "bigger bra" you should think about getting really supportive nursing bras with clasps. Rather than buying two sets of not great bras, buy one set of really supportive bras (because your boobs have it so hard anyway).  I would recommend Bella Materna. Most of their stuff is made in America, and they have a stellar  reputation and customer service.

Also, people talk about "sleeping bras" or soft bras which look like a sports bra. Actually, what it reminds me of is a starter bra. I think they are too wimpy for the task at hand. Here is a US-made one from Belly Bandit in case it turns out to be just what you need, but I wouldn't recommend them.

Did I mention you can get almost everything you need used? Do that. Check Thred Up if you don't have any consignment nearby! Don't waste a bunch of money on clothes you will only wear for a few months! But it also isn't the time to buy junk that will make it straight to the landfill. You don't want your baby's world to be a giant landfill.

Prenatal Vitamins (new)- Yep, you need them. Check the bottle and get them in bulk (if you plan to breastfeed, you have a long run with those horse pills). Beyond that, my best advice

Workout DVDs- You can buy some of the gems (my favorite is Summer Sanders and her sister in law- on sale for 1 cent). There are plenty of options, just be sure to check the Used section.

what to bring to the hospital

We way overpacked for the hospital and then my husband just kept forgetting our bag in the car. So we spent all but the last day with just a third of what we had planned. The point of this is, you will need less than you think. The bub spent his first two days diaper only, and you don't want to miss any good skin to skin time. I wouldn't buy anything specifically for this time unless you think you would use it again.

We got our packing list here, which includes genius things like a phone charger (you will be sitting in bed a lot). I would add your camera charger, a surprise bag for your partner, and flip flops for the shower (bring socks too! hospitals are cold).

I am not going to do too much for these, but I do want to point out that there isn't anything on this shopping list (like so many others) that you can't buy with ethical materials or Made in the US.

from Ginger Lous

A Going Home Outfit (new)- Last time, we used a newborn outfit gifted to us. I think Carter's made it. Now, I am planning on going big and getting something on Etsy, since it is literally the only newborn thing I am buying. Etsy has so many stores that sell just this kind of adorable thing to browse through- Monroe's House, Jolie and June, Ginger Lous, Little Beans, Baby Nell, Gigi and Max, The Southern Closet 101, and Maine Girl Creations.

One Swaddle Blanket (used)- I have talked about swaddle blankets on my Don't Buy Aden and Anais post, and I will talk about it more later in the registry. You can find used Aden and Anais blankets in pretty good condition at many kid's consignment stores, so if you are feeling like you have to be in on the trend, do it that way. My quick suggestion is one Snug Bug muslin blanket to practice, but they will have lots of blankets at the hospital for you.

from Bliss Joy Bull

Toiletry Bag, Shower, and/ or Make Up Bag (wait)- Do you have any of these already? Then they will work just fine. I also think you overestimate how much you will be sprucing in those first few days. I must have showered, but I don't remember it, and it would have been a rinse off. Bring the toiletries you can't live without, but you don't need tons of make up or gussing tools. A few options if you don't have the bags you need- Bliss Joy Bull,  Jack and Mulligan, Dana Herbert, The Club Bag, Purifyou reusable mesh bags, Gracie Designs, and Needle and Oak.

Shampoo and Conditioner Bottles (new)- Never buy those little travel-sized shampoos! Are you crazy!? It's just waste. If you want something that size, try a cool reusable bottle like these from Moyo Natural Labs (my new favorites). I have these GoToob ones, and they need to travel in their own biobag, but otherwise, they are awesome and waste-free. You can use the same ones for a long, long time and keep tons of "travel-sized" waste out of landfills.

Toothbrush (you have it)- Ok, you have one of these already. I get that. But if you are ready to make an eco-friendly change (and this is a perfect opportunity- almost all toothbrushes are fresh plastic and made in China), try a recycled plastic toothbrush from Preserve or a bamboo toothbrush.

Hairbrush (you have it)- I feel confident if you need one, one already lives in your home, but if you are looking to replace there are made in America and eco-friendly options.

Moisturizer and Face Wash (you have it)- If these things matter to you, you already have these products (and probably some failed experiments) at home. We have been trying to find natural and made in America face wash we love, and so far I think Avalon Organics is winning. For moisturizer, we have stuck with Aveeno's moisturizer and sunscreen combo; it's made in Canada, and it has served us well for so many years I can't talk The Boy out of it.

2 Maxi Dresses (new/used)- Look up! Already covered this. If you are trying to breastfeed, bring something you can get a boob out of easily. Otherwise, whatever you already have in maternity clothes will be perfect.

One Cardigan (you have it)- Just bring something you already have at home. It's just to stay warm if the maxi dress isn't cutting it!

One Nursing Tank/ Pajama (new/used)- I covered this in the pregnancy section, and honestly, this is only if you are a pajama pants and top kind of girl. At least for me, I was still in a hospital gown most of the time, so I just wore a pair of old pajama shorts underneath. Nothing fancy or special. You know which of your business you feel alright having out.

Phone Charger (you have it)- Ack, alright, there is one thing you can't buy Made in the USA. As soon as they make a smart phone in the US, I will be all over it.

Camera Charger (you have it)- Yeah, yeah. Same story. For the record, electronics are the worst. You can sometimes find something refurbished, but otherwise, no really good options exist.

Socks (maybe 1 pair new?) - I wore a pair of fox socks in the hospital with the Bub, and I feel like homey socks makes the cold hospital seem a little better. The bad news is that Sock it to Me and Hot Sox are both imported, so if you want to cut down on unecessary shipping, you have to get more creative looking for novelty socks. My current favorites are Solmate Socks- they are made in the US with recycled yarn, and I love that they intentionally don't match! We have some for the Bub, and we get way more compliments than you might expect.

Other Options- For Bare Feet make their (fishy!) socks in Indiana. Wheelhouse makes novelty socks here in the States, though seemingly only of cats. Sockwell makes their socks in the US, and they even have gradual compression socks, which will be great if you swell or have a c-section (this might be my pick this time). Mad Sports Socks and World's Softest sell US-made socks as well.

fourth trimester

Nursing Pads (new)- You will see lots of these one time use, disposable nursing pads AND IT MAKES NO SENSE. What evil villain convinced us that this was something to throw away? So much garbage (and wasted money)  They wash up just like anything else in your laundry and are perfectly reusable. This one is more than a little annoying. My pick? Love your Reusables are organic, made in America, and around the same price as a box of the the disposables (but they will last for much longer). If you want to register for something more fun, I think Marley's Monsters has adorable designs to really spice up those nipples (I kid, but not really).

Other Options- NuAngel, Baby Kicks, Loveybums, Baby Greeters, Prarie Love Organic, Soft and Scrubby, and Greening Boutique.

Nursing Pajamas (used or new)- It is probably fine to get used, but these aren't something I have noticed in stores. You probably don't need a ton (2 or 3 at the most), but it is nice to not have to fight the battle of getting your nunjas out early on when they already hurt. Majamas are made in the USA and have glowing reviews.

Nursing Tank (used or new)-  Tanks with snaps were a big part of my nursing mainstay. You could do a button up and easily stay mostly covered. You can sometimes find them in Maternity sections in consignment stores, but in general, your best bet is probably to get an American-made version. I really like this ruffled one from Shop Pretty Girl- perfect for summer. This one from Preggers Maternity is also a support tank.

Post-partum Belly Wrap (new)- I didn't find these particularly helpful after my c-section, but some people do swear by them, especially helping them refind their shape and accelerate healing. I may not have been committed enough to wearing it, but I didn't mind wearing my Belly Bandit. Belly Bandits are one of the most loved versions of this idea, and they are Made in the USA! This one looks even better because it is made from bamboo. Bellefit are also (mostly?) made in America. 

Sanitary Pads and Panty Liners (new)- This blog has never touched on this, but pads and panty liners, like diapers make a whole lot of waste and aren't very eco-friendly at all. Best case scenario, we would all use reusable ones all the time, but I can't imagine being ok with my mother or mother-in-law having to deal with that mess while I recovered post-birth. If you are doing all your own laundry, maybe that would work for you, but let's look at some other options too.

Organyc makes organic cotton pads that are biodegradable and much kinder to the wearer than the bleached things we all grew up with. Maybe not perfect for regular shopping, but worth it post-partum? Natratouch also has all-cotton pads (so biodegradable and healthy), and their cotton is even grown in the United States. Honestly, Seventh Generation's offering is pretty freaking lame, and it looks like they aren't even made in the US, but it is still better than plastic-lined and chlorine soaked panty liners that mainstream brands schlep. Veeda liners look a little better.

Alright! Be on the look out for Part 2 next week and please leave comments if there are things I should add! It can be tough to do all this research as 1 person, but if we share our ideas, I think we can make a big difference!

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Ten Ideas for Raising a Minimalist Kid

I want my children to have less than I did.

I know this sounds crazy. Who says that? The American Dream includes the idea that we all give our children more than we had. If we are good parents, we dream for abundance for our children. That if we are doing things right, our children have more than we had.

What happens if we want our children to have less?

At the very least, I want my children to have less stuff.

I don't think I have fewer dreams for my children than any other generation of parents did, and I do want them to have more in some ways- more adventures, more stability, more sushi than I did, but I think in the long run, we will do our children a tremendous service if they have less possessions, less spacious living, less baggage.

Before you get offended on my lovely parents' behalf (I am grateful for my upbringing and my husband's), hear me out. We are offered so many conveniences and gadgets to help manage our life, but those conveniences come at a deep cost that our children and grandchildren will have to pay.

-Too much costs our kids their healthy food and water. The (then still relatively new) disposable diapers our parents used for us 20 or 30 years ago still have 400 years on this planet, in the landfills and soil our children will eat from and the water they will drink. These options are way more prominent now- those HORRIBLE snack pouches can't be recycled, so you have saved 3 minutes now, but that pouch will outlive your grandkids. Not actually that great a deal.

- Too much costs our kids the environment. The plastic toys we played with will also outlive our children, and how many do you really remember? Why not only get used or recycled plastic toys for our kids?

- Too much costs our kids their future jobs. Because the market creates a demand for LOTS of toys (more toys is better than better toys), parents are looking for toys that are cheap. To make cheap toys, mainstream companies like Fisher Price and Melissa and Doug make all their toys in China. Those cheap toys mean someone is treated badly, fossil fuels are completely wasted in shipping, and more American jobs that can't compete with the prices fold. So fewer American jobs.

-Too much costs our kids their own happiness. Overconsumption when they are kids set them up for unhealthy habits through adulthood. If something breaks, replace it instead of fix it. More will make you happier (it's proven it never does). We all have to ask when these piles of stuff stop helping us and instead weigh us down.

- Too much costs our kids their time with us. It's well-documented that new American parents are pretty miserable. Some of these problems- like a cultural lack of a support system- can't be solved this way, but other's can. On average, our generation of parents lives in 1000 square foot larger homes than our parents did. What are we doing with all that space? And think of how much time all that extra space (and stuff that fills it) takes- we have to clean all of that! And if you have a toddler, you know life is like 80% cleaning. If we live in smaller spaces, our houses may not scream abundance and variety, but we win a lot of time back to just spend with our kids.

This dream of bigger and better keeps us working that much harder to just survive, when just surviving can be hard as it is. I see these beautiful pictures of children's spaces that look modern and pristine, not overun with toys, books, and clothes. I don't think my house will ever be that minimalist, and I am certainly still new at this. But the idea of effectively giving my children less has been on my mind a lot (especially as I fight the instinct to buy leading up to the birth of my second), so I thought I would share the ideas I have had.

1. Say Goodbye to Cable

Enough opinions are floating around about screen time (it rots your kids' brain vs. screenphobia is just the latest stand against Stay at Home Moms), but my beef isn't with a screen. Pick the amount of screen time that works for your family, Netflix it up, but stay away from media with ads. When you have cable, or you are watching any programming directed at children, you need to weed out these overstimulating and overpromising snippets.

Ads are designed to send a constant message- you aren't enough, you don't have enough, and that you won't be happy until you have this thing.

This is a pretty dangerous game of desire for anyone, much less kids. And before you roll your eyes and think your child is above it, just remember that these people really, really know what they are doing. They get degrees in how to send that message. They do research on how to do it most effectively. They get paid millions of dollars to do it. This is a serious business, and they are good at it. But, there is no law saying your kid needs to watch things that tell them what they want. You get to choose what normal is, and do your kids a favor by keeping cable out of your home.

2. Just Stay Away from the Toy Section

In the same way, kids can't want every toy on the shelf if they don't know what is on the shelf. Stay out of the toy sections of most stores, and they won't know every little thing that is out there. Will this save you from the occasional tantrum in the grocery store? Nope. Does it mean your child will never want toys they see at friends' houses? Nope. Is this guaranteed to save you from Elsa or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Nope. But it does make wanting stuff less a part of their regular life.

When we are at Goodwill, I will let my son pick out one thing to take home. Anywhere else, he can look, even touch, but nothing is coming home with us. The less time we spend in Target's toy aisles, the less I have to have this fight.

3. Slow Your Roll Out

My sister in law taught me this, and it is genius. When her son would get a giant pile of loot from a birthday or Christmas, she just packed a bunch back up and gave them out when he seemed bored with the last thing. After Christmas, let 2 or 3 gifts stay out, and everything else goes into storage. As the previous gifts wear out (over weeks and months), another new object can come out.

We love that feeling of abundance, that fantasy of the super full Christmas tree, but gifting that way isn't very practical and the kids can't appreciate it anyway.

Kids can only process so much at a time, so those big gift mountains seem cool, but lots of toys get lost in the shuffle. Most children do get sick of things. Instead of constantly needing new toys, you just use what they were already gifted and Christmas last much longer! Our son is too little to know the difference, and we can make one holiday last for months.

from Mum in the Madhouse

4. Make Giving a Family Tradition and Habit

At Christmastime, many families have an advent calendar with treats inside. What if this year, each member of your family gave one thing away every day in Advent. You could do it for Lent too! To teach your kids about taking better care of the Earth, you have to illustrate the act of giving. Let them pick toys to gift.every day during the holiday season, then go together as a family to give it away. Have your spring cleaning tradition include a big family day where you drop things off and donate things to charities. Let them participate with you on Buy Nothing once a month. Pick what works for you, but pick something and include your little ones.

 I whole-heartedly believe that we have to model the behavior we want to see from our children, so if you want them to be generous (and non-materialistic), then you have to make giving a regular part of life. It well help your house stay cleaner, help them assess what they really care about, and in the end could be such a fun tradition!

5. Clean Out the Toys and Clothes Every 3-6 Months and Give a Third Away

 Even two years in, I can see how quickly the toy collection flies off the rails.You receive gifts from grandparents or hand me downs from friends, and the pile gets bigger. Man, they can take over everything! The key is not only to buy less, but to clean out more, so get in there and send things off that never clicked with your kid.

Right now, The Bub is too little to really understand what is going on when I do this, but he is always present, and someday he will just think it is normal. It's not about throwing things away, it's about sharing with other people who might enjoy it more. I have gotten some of his favorite toys at Goodwill or on Buy Nothing, so I think it is my responsibility to keep putting back into these resources as well.

6. Don't Buy More Storage, Cut Out Stuff

It can be so tempting when the toys are taking over to think of more storage solutions. I get that, and I am not saying we don't have a plastic tub of toys in the basement, but before you get another toy box, book shelf, or hot wheels shelf, why not just give things away? To have a house that makes sense, you need places for everything to go. If you no longer have enough destinations for toys, maybe there are too many toys. If you have so much storage that your kid can't see all of their toys in a day, you probably have more than they need.

passed to us by a neighbor, passed on to a third child in the neighborhood

7. Swap, Borrow, and Get it Used

The difference between a minimalist lifestyle and a house full of toys is seeing possessions as temporary. Join a library and you always have a resource for new books (and a place to connect with other moms and kids). Join your local freecycle or Buy Nothing groups, you can pass kids stuff around. Just ask friends if they want to do book or toy swaps to switch things up in your house.

 I feel like as kids, we treated our toys and collections like they were essential parts of our identities, and it made it hard to let them go even as adults. But your kid can still love Frozen without having every Elsa and Anna item in the world (is that even possible? God bless Disney and their marketing genius). Only a few things can be precious, everything else should be moved around before it sticks to a spot on the shelf.

Every parent of a toddler is constantly encouraging them to share (it's tough!), but this is a way to push that a step further, treating sharing as a part of life.

8. Have Confidence They Have Enough

This is easy to say but so hard to feel. Parents right now are under constant pressure about how they manage their kids, their time, their money, everything. We can look around and see someone else who is doing a better job in various ways. We feel self-concious because that Stay at Home mom gives them so much time (and loves to talk about it). We feel frustrated because we can't give our kids everything they want. We try to compensate by giving little gifts because we can see how happy it makes our kids, even for a second.

We have to have confidence we are giving our kids what they need. Parenting is so tough, because success can me so hard to define or measure- how do you ever know if you are doing alright? Sometimes shopping is as much about ourselves as our kids, because we can at least feel certain we are providing. A bigger house or well-dressed kid makes us feel like we are filling their needs well, not just enough.

But you are doing more than enough just by caring. There isn't a void that you need to fill. It's a cliche, but your kid really does just want to be with you. Go to a playground instead of a store, and you will give them something worth remembering. Get clothes and toys used and save your money. Your kid doesn't know the difference, and you just have to keep building yourself up that you are  doing great at this job just by caring and getting in there. I don't know how to build this confidence more other than reminding ourselves, but it's a constant battle we need to fight. Buying mostly doesn't make us do a better job, but getting in there does.

9. Use What You Have

We all know kids love cardboard boxes, but it is amazing how far you can make one cardboard box go for play time. Blanket forts make amazing memories too, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

At my job, people donate all sorts of objects that could be "art supplies" for a shopping space and classes for kids. This includes baby food jars, toilet paper rolls, flooring samples, jewelry boxes, gift wrap, broken crayons- all kinds of stuff we tend to see as junk and throw away. But you reframe that for a kid (turn the jewelry box into a robot, use the toliet paper rolls to make fireworks, make a "home" for a stuffed animal), and you can provide hours of entertainment, conversation, learning, and creativity. This isn't conjecture, it is my job and I see it all the time. Junk, when mixed with creative framing, is always an opportunity. Need a rattle? Clean and fill an old bottle with beans.

 That kind of creative play isn't always easy to come up with, so thank goodness we live in the time of pinterest. You can find so many ideas on there.

10. Slow it Down and Just Be Together

I know I am so guilty of this one. As an introvert parent of an extreme extrovert, I often feel desperate for a minute to just catch my breath (or check my email), and some days I know I don't enjoy the time with my kid as much as I should. I feel sometimes like toys are partially just tools to give parents a minute.

Whenever an older generation parent tells me "Oh it goes so fast," I try hard not to roll my eyes. Really? Because this sleep deprivation is making everything move in slow motion.

But there is a lot of wisdom in the suggestion to let things go and slow down to our kids' speed. It doesn't mean we don't get those minutes or that we don't deserve a break while working and parenting, but when you are going to be there, really be there.

 The Bub and I have literally spent hours (this week) playing with a baseball hat and a pair of kitchen tongs. Even with older kids, you don't need many objects to have a perfectly great time. Go for a walk. Go to a playground. Just listen to them. Children are just tiny human beings, and they just want heard like everyone else. A game of tag (or robot tag) can be more fun than any toy, so the more you can focus when the quality time comes, the fewer things you need.



So there you have it, buy less and give more. Change the goals and you may just raise kids who aren't as caught up in this consumerist minefield we are all trying to navigate right now. We both know it creates a lot more work, a tremendous number of problems, and very little of the happiness or solutions that we are constantly promised. We can protect our children's futures from waste and from that constant want by shifting our attitudes now. Let's give ourselves a freaking break and give our kids less.

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