My Ten Best Tips for Displaced Small Town Locals

Thought of this old post this morning. Might be helpful if you are a displaced Franklinite like we are! 

This week, more than any, really makes me reflect on how much I miss Franklin, how different my life is not being a part of my hometown, and (more so every year) how long I have been gone. From what I can tell, lots of people who grow up in Franklin go through this sort of thing. You leave Franklin for school, hopeful that you will be able to come back, and then you realize there are no job opportunities for you there, and essentially you can't return even if you want to. These are some survival skills I have learned in my 9 (!!!!) years away from home:

10. Be clear about your priorities- Being homesick is one thing. Figuring out what you value about life, family, and PLACE is another. Place is important, and knowing what you need from the place that you live will make life much better. Maybe you need a strong community. Or you just need to recognize the people you see at the grocery store. Or you want simplicity, stability, and safety. They are different needs, and different types of places can suit them.  I am certain now that if we move somewhere else, I would rather live in a more urban area, because you spend less time passing Costco's and Chili's and such, and you see more people because you are on foot more often.

Update- We did this! We live in an urban area and we actually have seen people we know in stores and on the street. So awkward, but really wonderful too. 

9. Go Back when you need to- Everyone will need immediate support (you need to find some people around you to have a community) and longterm support, which is usually family. Be honest with yourself about how often you need to come home without going crazy. I need to go home every 2-3 months, but I think The Boy could go much longer. At the same time, understand that this is never going to be a long term solution. If you have kids, especially ones in school, you will not be able to travel as much, so if your travel schedule is a stretch now, you may have to re-strategize again and again.

8.Talk to people who went through it- My Grammy and Grampa grew up in New England and only moved down to Franklin when their kids were in school.I like looking at how they have found a place, and in some ways chosen to remain distant, in the community, because it makes me hopeful that eventually you can make another place your (sort-of) home.

7. Be Flexible/ Ready to get Lost- This applies to wherever you are at; it is probably larger and more complex. Put yourself out there, and get lost now and then. The scarier side of this is actually you have to be flexible when you go home, be ready to feel a little lost there as well. Things will continue to change and grow while you are gone. Even though Franklin feels a bit like a living time capsule, it's not, and the more time you spend back, the more you have to come to terms with the fact that everyone has moved on without you, and that it isn't what it was when you lived there.

6. Enjoy the digital world- Skype, facebook, picture phones. They are all awesome. You can be as connected to the people you love as you want to be with technology, because at the very least you can know what they are up to on a regular basis. We love skyping with Petey and Wobby (and other family too!), because we get to talk to them and be silly with them between visits. I love seeing pictures of my girlfriends' kids, because they change and grow so quickly.

5. Celebrate your Franklin holidays, even when you can't be there- Apple Week!!!!!!!! I wonder if we could do Light Up Night. Setting off fireworks seems like a dangerous move? I wonder if I could do an ice sculpture next year? So many choices. It can be fun to think of ways to make your current home more like your hometown.

4. Read The Derrick online- It is helpful to keep up with what is going on, at least in a very basic sense. Plus, I get to read my Dad's articles.

3. Find communities where you are at- It won't be the same. You won't be hanging out with people whose grandparents were in the army with your grandparents.But every place and every person have something to teach you, so you have to take advantage of that knowledge and opportunity. I bellyache about the Bay often, and there are a lot of things about the way people treat each other that can be tough for me to understand. At the same time, I have met some spectacular people here, and we can drive to the beach whenever we want for Whaleventures. And I discovered garlic fries and the best dentist I have ever had in my life. Now, when we talk about leaving or moving, I feel sad, because I know I will miss certain things about my life here.

Update- In Seattle, we have found some really great communities with people we really really like. Having kids help, though I would not recommend that as a go to coping method. This part gets easier and easier as the years pass by, and I would be so sad if we had never met the friends we have here. 

2. Understand that you are going to do a good chunk of the work most of the time- This has been the most shocking, complex, and ever-evolving lesson I have learned living on the other side of the country. First, when you live in a small town with most of your family, and where roots run deep, people are used to a particular function of a relationship. When you leave, people assume that you chose to leave, so it is your responsibility to take care of all of those relationships when you leave. I know this is true, because I felt that when my family moved away as a kid. In the same boat, they won't miss you in the same way, because you are just a small gap in their sheet of paper, but for you, all that is left is that little shred, and everything else is gone. If you live far away, people will visit you and it will be great, but you will find yourself on planes much more often.We have lots of family members who give us a hard time about never visiting, but they have never come to see us. We have some family who talk about visiting, but they probably never will. You have decided to make those relationships a huge priority in terms of money and time, so it can be hurtful when you realize that you aren't a priority in the same way. There are multiple ways to reciprocate effort in relationships- some people are much better at calling than we are, or who send us cards (which are so exciting to get). Learning to appreciate that effort is really important.

At the same time, it is alright to realize that a friend that still wants us to drive an hour every time we come home just to see them (after buying plane tickets and spending a day in transit) maybe just doesn't care that much. A small town allows a lot of friendships out of convenience to continue, because they continue to be convenient. Just because it is long doesn't mean it has a ton of depth or value. It's alright to stop chasing people just because you are home. Now, the only people we will go see without them asking are our grandparents, parents, and siblings. We make it clear we are coming home, and we will always say yes if people ask, but we don't worry about it much from there, and we are ALWAYS ridiculously busy. It is important to be honest about the frustration attached to this situation, while understanding that these people genuinely have never been in your shoes, and still identifying all of the positive things, love, and reciprocation that do come from coming back to Franklin.

Update- We have had a good number of visitors. Again, babies help with this. I find too that at this point, the sting of this has worn off. It's easier to not care, and I don't feel as sad about it. People are going to do whatever makes sense for them and they are able to do. If you don't get the support you need from home, instead of bellyaching about it, try to find support/ be a support to people nearby. Other people will be transplants too. 

1.Be strategic about your visits home- My Aunt Ann is really smart about this, that every time she goes home, she basically tells people where she will be at and let's people come to her. We run ourselves ragged trying to see everyone and do everything we want to do while we are home. Learn from mistakes and try to be patient with yourself when you are home. If anything, the bright side of #2 is that it gives you some freedom from feeling guilty. If I have come home almost 40 times over 5 years, and you have come to see me twice, even if I don't give you as much time as you want, I have probably still done alright. When you come home, you have to get what you need out of it (go eat Leonardo's bread, walk down Liberty Street, and visit your grandmas), and if people care about you, they will try to meet you halfway. Coming back can be tough, but this is the place that you missed, so enjoy it how you enjoy it.

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Ten Ideas for Raising a Minimalist Kid

I want my children to have less than I did.

I know this sounds crazy. Who says that? The American Dream includes the idea that we all give our children more than we had. If we are good parents, we dream for abundance for our children. That if we are doing things right, our children have more than we had.

What happens if we want our children to have less?

At the very least, I want my children to have less stuff.

I don't think I have fewer dreams for my children than any other generation of parents did, and I do want them to have more in some ways- more adventures, more stability, more sushi than I did, but I think in the long run, we will do our children a tremendous service if they have less possessions, less spacious living, less baggage.

Before you get offended on my lovely parents' behalf (I am grateful for my upbringing and my husband's), hear me out. We are offered so many conveniences and gadgets to help manage our life, but those conveniences come at a deep cost that our children and grandchildren will have to pay.

-Too much costs our kids their healthy food and water. The (then still relatively new) disposable diapers our parents used for us 20 or 30 years ago still have 400 years on this planet, in the landfills and soil our children will eat from and the water they will drink. These options are way more prominent now- those HORRIBLE snack pouches can't be recycled, so you have saved 3 minutes now, but that pouch will outlive your grandkids. Not actually that great a deal.

- Too much costs our kids the environment. The plastic toys we played with will also outlive our children, and how many do you really remember? Why not only get used or recycled plastic toys for our kids?

- Too much costs our kids their future jobs. Because the market creates a demand for LOTS of toys (more toys is better than better toys), parents are looking for toys that are cheap. To make cheap toys, mainstream companies like Fisher Price and Melissa and Doug make all their toys in China. Those cheap toys mean someone is treated badly, fossil fuels are completely wasted in shipping, and more American jobs that can't compete with the prices fold. So fewer American jobs.

-Too much costs our kids their own happiness. Overconsumption when they are kids set them up for unhealthy habits through adulthood. If something breaks, replace it instead of fix it. More will make you happier (it's proven it never does). We all have to ask when these piles of stuff stop helping us and instead weigh us down.

- Too much costs our kids their time with us. It's well-documented that new American parents are pretty miserable. Some of these problems- like a cultural lack of a support system- can't be solved this way, but other's can. On average, our generation of parents lives in 1000 square foot larger homes than our parents did. What are we doing with all that space? And think of how much time all that extra space (and stuff that fills it) takes- we have to clean all of that! And if you have a toddler, you know life is like 80% cleaning. If we live in smaller spaces, our houses may not scream abundance and variety, but we win a lot of time back to just spend with our kids.

This dream of bigger and better keeps us working that much harder to just survive, when just surviving can be hard as it is. I see these beautiful pictures of children's spaces that look modern and pristine, not overun with toys, books, and clothes. I don't think my house will ever be that minimalist, and I am certainly still new at this. But the idea of effectively giving my children less has been on my mind a lot (especially as I fight the instinct to buy leading up to the birth of my second), so I thought I would share the ideas I have had.

1. Say Goodbye to Cable

Enough opinions are floating around about screen time (it rots your kids' brain vs. screenphobia is just the latest stand against Stay at Home Moms), but my beef isn't with a screen. Pick the amount of screen time that works for your family, Netflix it up, but stay away from media with ads. When you have cable, or you are watching any programming directed at children, you need to weed out these overstimulating and overpromising snippets.

Ads are designed to send a constant message- you aren't enough, you don't have enough, and that you won't be happy until you have this thing.

This is a pretty dangerous game of desire for anyone, much less kids. And before you roll your eyes and think your child is above it, just remember that these people really, really know what they are doing. They get degrees in how to send that message. They do research on how to do it most effectively. They get paid millions of dollars to do it. This is a serious business, and they are good at it. But, there is no law saying your kid needs to watch things that tell them what they want. You get to choose what normal is, and do your kids a favor by keeping cable out of your home.

2. Just Stay Away from the Toy Section

In the same way, kids can't want every toy on the shelf if they don't know what is on the shelf. Stay out of the toy sections of most stores, and they won't know every little thing that is out there. Will this save you from the occasional tantrum in the grocery store? Nope. Does it mean your child will never want toys they see at friends' houses? Nope. Is this guaranteed to save you from Elsa or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Nope. But it does make wanting stuff less a part of their regular life.

When we are at Goodwill, I will let my son pick out one thing to take home. Anywhere else, he can look, even touch, but nothing is coming home with us. The less time we spend in Target's toy aisles, the less I have to have this fight.

3. Slow Your Roll Out

My sister in law taught me this, and it is genius. When her son would get a giant pile of loot from a birthday or Christmas, she just packed a bunch back up and gave them out when he seemed bored with the last thing. After Christmas, let 2 or 3 gifts stay out, and everything else goes into storage. As the previous gifts wear out (over weeks and months), another new object can come out.

We love that feeling of abundance, that fantasy of the super full Christmas tree, but gifting that way isn't very practical and the kids can't appreciate it anyway.

Kids can only process so much at a time, so those big gift mountains seem cool, but lots of toys get lost in the shuffle. Most children do get sick of things. Instead of constantly needing new toys, you just use what they were already gifted and Christmas last much longer! Our son is too little to know the difference, and we can make one holiday last for months.

from Mum in the Madhouse

4. Make Giving a Family Tradition and Habit

At Christmastime, many families have an advent calendar with treats inside. What if this year, each member of your family gave one thing away every day in Advent. You could do it for Lent too! To teach your kids about taking better care of the Earth, you have to illustrate the act of giving. Let them pick toys to gift.every day during the holiday season, then go together as a family to give it away. Have your spring cleaning tradition include a big family day where you drop things off and donate things to charities. Let them participate with you on Buy Nothing once a month. Pick what works for you, but pick something and include your little ones.

 I whole-heartedly believe that we have to model the behavior we want to see from our children, so if you want them to be generous (and non-materialistic), then you have to make giving a regular part of life. It well help your house stay cleaner, help them assess what they really care about, and in the end could be such a fun tradition!

5. Clean Out the Toys and Clothes Every 3-6 Months and Give a Third Away

 Even two years in, I can see how quickly the toy collection flies off the rails.You receive gifts from grandparents or hand me downs from friends, and the pile gets bigger. Man, they can take over everything! The key is not only to buy less, but to clean out more, so get in there and send things off that never clicked with your kid.

Right now, The Bub is too little to really understand what is going on when I do this, but he is always present, and someday he will just think it is normal. It's not about throwing things away, it's about sharing with other people who might enjoy it more. I have gotten some of his favorite toys at Goodwill or on Buy Nothing, so I think it is my responsibility to keep putting back into these resources as well.

6. Don't Buy More Storage, Cut Out Stuff

It can be so tempting when the toys are taking over to think of more storage solutions. I get that, and I am not saying we don't have a plastic tub of toys in the basement, but before you get another toy box, book shelf, or hot wheels shelf, why not just give things away? To have a house that makes sense, you need places for everything to go. If you no longer have enough destinations for toys, maybe there are too many toys. If you have so much storage that your kid can't see all of their toys in a day, you probably have more than they need.

passed to us by a neighbor, passed on to a third child in the neighborhood

7. Swap, Borrow, and Get it Used

The difference between a minimalist lifestyle and a house full of toys is seeing possessions as temporary. Join a library and you always have a resource for new books (and a place to connect with other moms and kids). Join your local freecycle or Buy Nothing groups, you can pass kids stuff around. Just ask friends if they want to do book or toy swaps to switch things up in your house.

 I feel like as kids, we treated our toys and collections like they were essential parts of our identities, and it made it hard to let them go even as adults. But your kid can still love Frozen without having every Elsa and Anna item in the world (is that even possible? God bless Disney and their marketing genius). Only a few things can be precious, everything else should be moved around before it sticks to a spot on the shelf.

Every parent of a toddler is constantly encouraging them to share (it's tough!), but this is a way to push that a step further, treating sharing as a part of life.

8. Have Confidence They Have Enough

This is easy to say but so hard to feel. Parents right now are under constant pressure about how they manage their kids, their time, their money, everything. We can look around and see someone else who is doing a better job in various ways. We feel self-concious because that Stay at Home mom gives them so much time (and loves to talk about it). We feel frustrated because we can't give our kids everything they want. We try to compensate by giving little gifts because we can see how happy it makes our kids, even for a second.

We have to have confidence we are giving our kids what they need. Parenting is so tough, because success can me so hard to define or measure- how do you ever know if you are doing alright? Sometimes shopping is as much about ourselves as our kids, because we can at least feel certain we are providing. A bigger house or well-dressed kid makes us feel like we are filling their needs well, not just enough.

But you are doing more than enough just by caring. There isn't a void that you need to fill. It's a cliche, but your kid really does just want to be with you. Go to a playground instead of a store, and you will give them something worth remembering. Get clothes and toys used and save your money. Your kid doesn't know the difference, and you just have to keep building yourself up that you are  doing great at this job just by caring and getting in there. I don't know how to build this confidence more other than reminding ourselves, but it's a constant battle we need to fight. Buying mostly doesn't make us do a better job, but getting in there does.

9. Use What You Have

We all know kids love cardboard boxes, but it is amazing how far you can make one cardboard box go for play time. Blanket forts make amazing memories too, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

At my job, people donate all sorts of objects that could be "art supplies" for a shopping space and classes for kids. This includes baby food jars, toilet paper rolls, flooring samples, jewelry boxes, gift wrap, broken crayons- all kinds of stuff we tend to see as junk and throw away. But you reframe that for a kid (turn the jewelry box into a robot, use the toliet paper rolls to make fireworks, make a "home" for a stuffed animal), and you can provide hours of entertainment, conversation, learning, and creativity. This isn't conjecture, it is my job and I see it all the time. Junk, when mixed with creative framing, is always an opportunity. Need a rattle? Clean and fill an old bottle with beans.

 That kind of creative play isn't always easy to come up with, so thank goodness we live in the time of pinterest. You can find so many ideas on there.

10. Slow it Down and Just Be Together

I know I am so guilty of this one. As an introvert parent of an extreme extrovert, I often feel desperate for a minute to just catch my breath (or check my email), and some days I know I don't enjoy the time with my kid as much as I should. I feel sometimes like toys are partially just tools to give parents a minute.

Whenever an older generation parent tells me "Oh it goes so fast," I try hard not to roll my eyes. Really? Because this sleep deprivation is making everything move in slow motion.

But there is a lot of wisdom in the suggestion to let things go and slow down to our kids' speed. It doesn't mean we don't get those minutes or that we don't deserve a break while working and parenting, but when you are going to be there, really be there.

 The Bub and I have literally spent hours (this week) playing with a baseball hat and a pair of kitchen tongs. Even with older kids, you don't need many objects to have a perfectly great time. Go for a walk. Go to a playground. Just listen to them. Children are just tiny human beings, and they just want heard like everyone else. A game of tag (or robot tag) can be more fun than any toy, so the more you can focus when the quality time comes, the fewer things you need.



So there you have it, buy less and give more. Change the goals and you may just raise kids who aren't as caught up in this consumerist minefield we are all trying to navigate right now. We both know it creates a lot more work, a tremendous number of problems, and very little of the happiness or solutions that we are constantly promised. We can protect our children's futures from waste and from that constant want by shifting our attitudes now. Let's give ourselves a freaking break and give our kids less.

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Throwback Thursday- The Top Ten Things that Always Make Me Feel Patriotic

This is a throwback to two summers ago now, but after so much crappy news, I thought I would bring it back in case anyone else needs a reminder that there are great things about this country. 

I don't know if everyone has been feeling this way, but the Supreme Court rulings on labor unions and religious preferences for corporations (businesses aren't people, and Hobby Lobby isn't all that representative of my faith) really bummed me out on a week where we are all supposed to be pretty excited for our nation's birthday (also fireworks, I love fireworks). Despite the immediate frustration of the week, I feel like there are so many reasons to feel good about this country. That's what I want to reflect on now:

from scotusmemes.wordpress.com

10. That we can fight about weeks like these- I want credit for writing the majority of this blog before I read Pag's article this week, but he made a good point, so let's add it here. RBG is a national treasure, and her dissent reminds us all that we have the right to speak openly about our disagreements. We always have the right for real discourse, whether we get in our own way about it or not. I am happy that I can live in a country where I can disagree with you, and you can also think I am full of it.

Update- RBG continues to be totally kickass, but this week talking about Justice Sotomayor might make more sense. 

9. The Rocky Mountains- Driving up to these mountains was one of the most giddy, pride-filled moments of my whole life. Does everyone have that feeling? One of the great things about America is that it is so large and complex that you can live here your whole life and still have it surprise and awe you. It's like learning something new about someone you care about and it only making you love it more. The Rocky Mountains makes the whole place feel bigger.

8. All National Parks- Each time I go, I am pretty blown away that my ancestors lucked out and landed in such a big, strange, and beautiful country. Plus, even on busy days, I have found people at National Parks to be good to each other (unlike airports or shopping malls).

7. That so many people volunteer- 1 in 4 adults volunteered last year, 7.9 BILLION hours of time given to others. Think about how much money that is. Even more exciting, our generation is one of the volunteeringest of recent history, which is pretty impressive when you consider we have infamously been short jobs and basic adult maturity. Our country values donating your time and giving to others (volunteers are twice as likely to donate money as non-volunteers). And it makes building up civic life in our country a team effort, which is pretty badass. Plus, think how many people would never learn to use tools (me? Am I the only one?) if not for this kind of thing. You see the value in your labor when you give it away.

6. Parades and Community Events- Because you get candy, and bands play, and you end up running into someone you really would rather not see. Also, because parades and the like are just another way we give away our time, labor, and often our talents so that the immediate world we live in is a more colorful place. If regula volunteering is a collective effort to help people survive, things like this (mostly i mean toddlers trying to twirl batons) is what makes that life worth living. Americans give their talent away in spades.

Update- I have a whole new appreciation for parades after going to the Fremont Solstice Parade in Seattle and seeing the naked bicycling. We are a diverse bunch of people, and we can be crazy and weird, but I believe in public space and I believe in celebrating anything (even naked bicycling) together.

5. Road Trips- Just drive between any two states in the USA, and you will be happy you live here.  Kitschy roadside attractions, scenic splendor, and convenience stores (I mean, can you really top Sheetz?) are all pretty awesome. 

from aproposfrance-usa.blogspot.com

4. That we are so different from each other, and that is good- I love having classes of kids of so many races and cultural backgrounds. Difference is one of our greatest strengths as a country, and I love living in a place where that difference is mostly accepted. We can all do better with this, but the first step is just appreciating how freaking cool it is that people in Hawaii may have very little in common with people from Nebraska culturally but that just means they have things to give/teach each other. I know this is naive and idealistic, but I believe it anyway, because I have seen it at work.

Update- Wow, this one makes me feel sad, because I do feel like we are losing this as a country, allowing fear and xenophobia keep us from appreciating difference. I hate to see people, especially my family and friends at times, see someone's difference as a potential threat. I still believe in this for our country, and I still see it on an interpersonal level everyday, but we need to fight for mutual understanding on a larger scale. The bright side is for every attempt to make us more afraid, someone else makes a push for greater understanding. Let's not lose this. 

from friendsofspl.wordpress.com

3. Public Libraries and Museums- Feeling bad about the country? Go to a public library. These institutions (and free museum systems like the Smithsonian) will make you feel better, because we prioritize learning enough to make it available to everybody. Plus, they are almost always staffed by cute old people, who just make everything better. If you were thinking to yourself a few minutes ago "Self, I should really volunteer more often" I would try helping out your local branch.

from http://gaymarriage.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=004857

2. The incredible amount of progress that has been made on gay marriage- Doesn't it do your heart good when you read yet another state has changed its stance on gay marriage? I know this is a boil that is a long time coming, but the turn around of public opinion and the adoption of these rights have been very inspiring. I am hopeful this momentum just keeps going, so I can raise my kids in a country where this systematic discrimination is a part of the past. Marry on!

And now- This battle has been won, and I am so glad, but I don't think we should just pat our back and move on, since recent events prove that there is violent hatred that still exists for this community and for transpeople. There is a lot of work left to do here, but I still feel encouraged that attitudes shifted so quickly, and it gives me hope for other areas (like environmental stewardship!).

1. Basically anything that has to do with The Boston Marathon- Nothing better encapsulates the greatest parts of us as Americans that at the Boston bombing, people turned and ran toward the bomb to help rather than turning away to ensure their own safety. The city's long term response to a truly awful moment are so inspiring, and seeing the images from the race this year will put nearly anyone in tears. I feel the same way when you read about the many people who go to help rebuild New Orleans or who have turned September 11th into a day of service. You have to feel good about living in a country where such dark moments consistently bring out the goodness in its people. I believe we are a country of really generous, kind, and courageous people. That's what I like to think about on the 4th of July as the fireworks go off- the light that chases out darkness. 

And now- We still have amazing helpers everywhere in this country. I was so inspired to see the pictures of people in Orlando lined up around the block to give blood to help the shooting victims. Or the story about Chick Fil A bringing food on a Sunday, complicating their image as gay-bashing. I think what it shows is that when we see someone needs help, Americans do something. Our desire to help trumps a lot of the other feelings swirling around right now, and I am so proud of that. 

Yay America! I hope there are light things going on in your life as our summer has started on such a dark foot.

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The Eight Best Things I Bought For my Pregnancy

 I wrote almost this entire blog and then something horrible happened with blogger, and the vast majority of it disappeared. So if you taste some bitterness on this, it isn't toward pregnancy goods, it is toward that evil blogger and the missing first draft of this.

I am going to write a few blogs on what I learned being pregnant before I am crabby prego or my brain completely melts away. All in all, I really liked being pregnant, and I admittedly had a very easy pregnancy. Nowadays, you can go pretty crazy with the pregnancy gear and get ups, and the truth of it is you probably don't need most of it. My biggest advice is to buy things as you need them, because somebody can tell you that you can't live without a body pillow or one of those support belts or their nausea relief. But there is a very good chance that you can totally live without those things, because each woman gets her own handfull of weirdness, so what they need might be useless to you.

That being said, these are the things I am most glad I bought:

from www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00DM14TYC/

1. Burt's Bees Belly Butter and Rose Hipseed Oil- People will tell you again and again that there is nothing you can do about stretch marks (making this kind of stuff essentially useless). Who cares. Putting this lotion on my stomach after showers and before bed kept the whole area feeling soft and comfortable on the skin level (I also never got a stretch mark, but I won't argue correlation here). One of those weird things is that your stomach can get really itchy, but I think this helped keep me from scratching or feeling gross.  So I cannot guarantee you a stretch mark-free stomach (supposedly slow weight gain is the best you can do for that), but it will feel nicer!

2. Pea in a Pod Skinny Jeans- I read about these jeans on another blog (I am trying to find it to give her her propers), and they were my big splurge. I definitely got my money's worth, because I wore these puppies all the time. I have one other pair that my Mom gave me, and they are pretty nice, but these jeans are incredibly comfy, cover my belly so I never have to worry about hanging out, and look good with everything. It's hard to know what to go big on, but a pair of jeans isn't a bad choice, because you know you will wear them a lot.  I love these maternity jeans.

3. Belts- When our moms were pregnant with us, it was still expected that you cover your belly up. They rocked a lot of mumus. My mom even bought me a loosey goosey dress to wear. I love that the "cover this all up" style is out, because I think pretty much every woman (person for that matter) looks best when they are showing off the parts of themselves that they love. From early on through the whole shebang, one of the best choices I made was belting this business and creating a waist. These two pictures are only a month apart, and even though I definitely did get bigger, I think the belt is actually doing the majority of the work. Just go stretchy (so you can use it and stay comfortable) and medium to big (because small ones start to look like they are being eaten by your giant chesticles by the end). It's one of the only accessories that can carry you through the whole path, so you get a lot for your money.

4. Summer Sanders (and her Sister-in-law) Baby Workout and Baby Yoga- If you can exercise, I recommend it, because it really can help you feel good (not just surviving). I expected to take Aqua Zumba, but it was not in the stars, so I landed in Baby Yoga. I am no yoga champion (the very sweet teacher has to fix me every time and I HATE downward dog), so I look like a loser for an hour, and then a crazy person for the last 15 minutes while I cry through the savasana (???) business. I still love it.  I would still recommend it to anyone going through pregnancy, because it feels so good to stay active if you can. I can still tie my shoes and paint my own toenails and can feel the good kind of sore. Not to mention, I have met lots of other women going through the same thing, which is good because the whole event can feel pretty isolating.

If you can't fit a class into your budget or schedule, a video like Summer Sanders can move you through the trimesters I started on some other video where the woman looked like a real housewife wearing lingerie, and I think what we were doing was pilates? It was like horrible, painful nothing for an hour. I hated it. Why would you want to do any exercise that gives you lots of time to think about how exercise is the worst? On the other hand, Summer and her sister-in-law (did she mention Carrie is her sister-in-law) have delightfully dorky and awkward banter, are always encouraging and positive (they even give you water breaks!), and have a catchphrase so bad that Summer often forgets it. I highly recommend this video, even if I do miss Beto and Gina.

5. Netflix- Ok, maybe we didn't get this specifically for our pregnancy, but it has been a big help on these long weekends where we mostly chill at home trying to get things done. I just feel less open to new things, so binge watching good old things has become a real comfort in a weird way.

6.Sarah Blakely Understuff- Spanx for pregnant women is just the worst, most sexist and self-loathing concept in the world (and really totally unnecessary- first the belly is too small for the attention, then it is far too powerful to be tamed). Yet, I will swear by them. In fact, if I got pregnant again, I would probably buy more. Why? Two reasons. First, even if you don't gain a lot of weight in the hips, your knees to belly button are going through some stuff. One of the harshest realities you face is that you may not be able to walk 5 miles in a day like you did before without your flesh having an epic battle with itself. There is a reason that pregos really commit to leggings, but in the summer it is too hot for that, so these can make a world of difference keeping those pesky thighs in their own space.

More importantly, somebody decided that stretch jersey dresses (like this one, which I really liked from Ingrid and Isabel but you can find a lot more reasonable off of Amazon) are just what every pregnant body needs.Eh, I certainly won't knock showing off those curvy bodies, but I am not sure clingy is needed by anyone, and these dresses can really put you on display. This kind of understuff can help you to avoid embarrassing yourself. Because nothing says "Oh yeah, my mom jeans are at home" like super visible panty line. Sarah Blakely's Assets line for pregnant women isn't overly spanxy and stay comfy all day.

7. Gap Leggings- Once it gets cooler, you can get a lot more mileage out of the same clothes if you can transition summer things into fall. Nothing does this more effortlessly than a good pair of leggings, and these ones, from the Gap, are my favorite. To be clear, these are not pants. Leggings are not pants. And I don't care how much of a miracle factory your vagina is, cover up your business. Feelings on this issue vary, but I love full paneled stuff, because they don't roll down and they just make me feel more in my clothes. These are also really comfy, like a t-shirt for your legs. I did not love most of the other Gap pregnancy stuff (made me look square), but these are worth the buy (and they are on sale!).

8. A Babymoon- I wrote a whole blog about this, because I really think this is that important. You don't have to spend a bunch of money- be a tourist in your own hometown or build a fort in your own house, but make a fun plan and execute it. The most important thing is to take a big break from thinking and talking about baby to do something fun and just about the two of you. The whole pregnancy period can feel like you are waiting, counting down to something, but it is good to enjoy this time (however you do that) too. I know the babymoon is a very recent trend, but it is a damn good idea (plus, who doesn't love an excuse to have an adventure?).

Four Things You can Probably Wait On

1. Yoga Pants- Can't we all decide not to be that person? If you aren't exercising, then how many exercise/athletic pants could you possibly need? Even if you do wear a lot of loungewear at the very end, I found that my regular pants fit just fine under my belly (as do my maxi skirts), so there was no reason to spend money here. Even if you stretch out your current gym pants, it is probably a better investment to buy yourself new ones post-pregnancy than tobuy a bunch of pregnancy stuff you can't use again.

2. Bras- I also found that I could get away with the bras from my curvier stages before. If you can hold out until the end, when you will have to get nursing bras anyway (just buy the nursing ones and skip having a variety of regular nunja-wear in all sorts of sizes). Again, it doesn't always play out that way, but I would wait until you need them to buy them- this is a really hard thing to estimate ahead of time.

3. Things that Just Aren't Your Style- You will see a bunch of the same things in various places over and over, and you will convince yourself you need one. I ended up with more than one black dress, because it just seems like one of those things you need. Eh, it was probably a dumb purchase. I thought I would wear them more to work at the gallery, but just like when I am not a backwards camel, I mostly pick the things I love (which are colorful and printed). I could have gotten away with just the one grey or just the one black dress. Yeah, the rules change slightly for maternity clothes, but mostly what your style is won't. Don't talk yourself into things or go overly neutral if that is just not you.

4. Coats- Even if you are due in February and March, and therefore will spend your curvier months in colder weather, mostly your old coats left open will do the trick. The same goes for a lot of your cardigans or blazers. You are a walking oven anyway, so you may not be cold, even if you are usually the one shivering. Big scarf, open coat, you are good.

Honorary Mention: A body pillow (wait and see if you need it, pregnant sleep isn't always the nightmare it is chalked up to be, especially if you were a side sleeper already), pregnancy belts (I have yet to hear someone say they absolutely loved theirs), or any kind of massager (tennis balls. All you need is a tennis ball and a wall).

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Ten Gems of Pregnancy Advice

Hey, you are pregnant! Wouldn't you like all of my opinions on your body now? Especially from people who don't know you from a hole in the ground or from relatives who haven't seen you since well before you were pregnant? Well here friend, have some more!Yes, there was an overwhelming onslaught of advice that came my way (and I am sure will continue to come after baby) in these past nine months, but a lot of it was damn good advice. I don't have any particularly thoughtful feedback on how to smile and nod some of it away, but I think the less defensive you can be, the more you can get out of some of it (other things, people really should just shut up). These are some of my favorites:

1. "Happy and Flexible Mommy, Happy and Flexible Baby" This is a gift my mother gave me at the beginning of my pregnancy, and now I am paying it forward to you. Take it easy on yourself. It's fine to have a plan, but it's more important to be able to adapt to situations as they arise, because they will. So little of the whole thing is really within your control, so don't get attached to your plans. This has empowered me to see my pregnancy as totally individual and to prioritize what feels good/ right to me over what I am "supposed" to do or care about. I have plans for my birth, but way more importantly, I am really open to just having it go however it is going to unfold. I have been blessed with a pretty low key pregnancy, and I think the thought that enjoying it is the best thing I can do for my baby has empowered me to stay really positive, listen to advice and personal stories (but still recognize my experience as individual), and to prioritize being happy.

2."Wear your seatbelt under your belly"- My friend Mindy is pretty hardcore about her pregnancy and baby information (I think she really should be a doula or midwife or something), and at some point in my pregnancy, she posted something about how to sit most safely in a car while pregnant. It was good advice that never came up anywhere else, so I was grateful for that.

3. "Take care of each other, your relationship, first"- Easier said than done, right? I have gotten this advice in varying forms from many places, but the most helpful was the class we took (if you live in Seattle, take Bringing Baby Home, it is really worth it). I was never that set on getting married, but I always wanted to be a mom, so this feels like a dangerous one for me, so I try to soak up as much of this kind of advice as possible. Most of it sounds like "still talk to each other on a daily basis" or "go on date nights even way before you are ready." I have heard good ones about physical affection and how it can prevent PPD (15 minutes a day- they suggested like a foot rub or shoulder rub while breastfeeding.

Even before your spawn arrives, it can be easy to get sucked down the baby rabbit hole, where all you talk about is stuff to do and the baby. Nine months is a long time to talk about someone who is just going to poop and eat for 9 months after that. Talk about something else. If you need help, assign days that are baby free (it's wonderful).

4. "I smoked  [or drank, ate deli meat every day, etc] and my baby turned out fine"- Oy. The unbelievable beauty of this "advice" which mostly plays out as criticism for the precautions you are taking, is that this shit is way harder to mess up than it feels.  Ten years from now, current pregos will find out that we were doing something horrible for our baby by drinking cow's milk or sleeping on our sides or depriving ourselves of caffeine. But our children will be fine. I don't regret trying to do my best following the litany of pregnancy rules, and I know if something would have happened, I would have had fewer behaviors to beat myself up for, but these kinds of comments really are well-meant and have a gem of kindness at the center. You do the best you can, but don't let all of this stuff take over. Go have a tempura roll, it will make you feel (slightly) better.

5. "Baby CPR? Yes. Birthing Class? No."-Our doctor said that birthing classes may not be much help (it's really a bridge you can only cross when you are crossing it), but she did encourage baby CPR. Totally traumatizing. Do you know a baby can choke on anything? That the whole world is just made of choking hazards? Did you know hot dogs are a throat trap? Then, if that wasn't enough, they wrap up the whole story with SIDS. Please, I beg all of you now, do not put my child to sleep on his belly. SIDS is the world's meanest reminder that you can do everything "right" and still have it go wrong. It was traumatizing, but helpful.

6. "Enjoy it and Appreciate it"- My Aunt Ann and I had a few really great conversations about how much she loved having my cousin with her all the time while she was pregnant, and how she actually missed feeling her move in her belly once she was born. I think about that a lot when I am ornery that I can't roll over or getting up without feeling like I am having a serious workout. It is good to enjoy his company, because I know that a big part of the goal with parenting is to raise an autonomous being, meaning if you are doing your job, they get further and further away. How lucky am I right now to have his company all the time?

7. "If you can't tell the difference when they go to kindergarten, it's probably not that big of a deal"- I think this is my favorite advice from my mother-in-law, who is generally a badass about pregnancy and birthing. She is underwhelmed with all baby and pregnancy angst, and I think of her example when I am feeling whiny. We can get in this mindset where every decision we make is wildly important, but we are probably giving ourselves way too much credit. When our child shows up to kindergarten, his circumcision (or not) will probably not matter. Whether I breastfeed or not will probably not matter. I can try to do my best with these things, but in the end, there will be more important things we give our spawn. Removing the stakes from some of these decisions actually helps clarify what our motivations are.

8. "Keep Moving and Drink Water"- I think that drink water may be the best piece of advice you can give anyone in any situation (ok, maybe not every situation, If you are on a sinking ship you might try swimming first). Unless you are very athletic and committed, it can be rough to not keep falling off the wagon to an even slower wagon, but it mostly pays off in feeling much better. Also, I read some great advice about things to eat in these last few weeks that have really made life much nicer- small servings of soups and salads will be way kinder to you than big servings of much of anything.

9. "You are chowderheads"- This was actually advice given to my dad about my Grammy and Grampa (and she gave BBG the same advice about us). We don't know what we are doing. The parasite will just have to be patient with us, because we are idiots. There is no helping it.

10. "My baby never did this or that"- I am now completely convinced that moms with grown children and grandchildren have got a really rosy pair of glasses on, because wow did they all have it under control! How encouraging, right? Even my mother, who spent 18 months of her life puking thanks to TP and I says she loved being pregnant. Really? Do you love having food poisoning, because it sounds like we were the human versions of that? I love that they see the past this way, because as things happen, it is so easy to focus on everything you are doing wrong, but you can see when you talk to the women around you that love and good memories mostly do win out. I figure the more I focus on the joys of it now (rather than the fact I have eaten more cake than food so far today), the more I can enjoy this gift that they certainly have in spades now.

So these are my favorite things I have heard, in various forms, as I have gone through it, and I hope if you are replicating you can find some gems in the ruckus.

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13 Things You Don't Realize Until You Leave Franklin, PA

Hedging: This is no slam on anyone who now lives in or out of Franklin. I swear these are all based on moments The Boy and I have had when we realize we aren't in Franklin anymore. 

1. Apparently other people vacuum their floors, I sweep mine- Also, jagger, not thorn. And "to be" is not nearly as useful as other people seem to think. The floors needs swept is a perfectly legitimate sentence (The Boy just read this as I was writing it, and it blew his mind. He had no idea that everyone doesn't say "this needs cleaned" or "the ring needs destroyed"). Also, this can be the quickest way to find other people from PA.  You don't need to be from Polklahoma to have an accent.

2. Grocery Stores can be filled with people you don't know- At certain hours and in certain levels of lazy fashion failures, this is even a good thing.

3. Not everyone knows someone who owns lots of guns (in a totally non-creepy way)- Last weekend, we had the gun debate with a friend, and as is often the case, he was surprised (given our general super-liberalism) that we are mostly ok with people having lots of guns (they should have licenses and background checks- and some guns nobody needs- we aren't crazy). Some of the gentlest and most nature-loving people I know are also hunters, there is no disconnect there. Apparently, if your grandpa doesn't like wearing a bolo, doing sudoku, making his own ammo, and sitting in the woods, you have a different mental picture of what it means to be a gun-owner.

Also, and this has been noted many times in and out of Franklin, first day of deer season is not a holiday everywhere.

4. "Frownie Brownie" sounds super racist- Also, the t-shirt has certain historically specific connotations people aren't fond of. It even gets worse if you try to explain it to someone. I am totally sure it is unintentional, but I have been suspicious since I realized the wall of the Barkeyville King's Lady Bathroom says "KKK" on it.

5. You need Identification when you go to the bank- Looking just like one of your parents does not help you when it isn't Northwest Savings Bank.

6. Nearly nothing takes 15 minutes to get to (and some people don't use time as a form of measurement)- Franklin to the cranberry mall? 15-20 minutes. Franklin to Utica? 15 to 20 minutes. To Barkeyville? 15-20 minutes. Also, some people measure distance in miles. For the record, I would guess these distances based purely on the assumption everyone drives at exactly 60 miles an hour at all times.

7. You can buy beer in grocery stores- You can even buy liquor outside the hours of 9 to 5. I still feel like someone might kick me out when I am in the Safeway booze aisle, because I am in the state store without my Mom.

8. Meeting people is its own skill; You haven't always sort of known everyone you know- When people ask when or how the Boy and I met, the short answer is Marching Band. The long answer is that his brother dated my friend all the way back in Middle School, and I can remember watching his dad at the pizza shop as a kid, and there is a picture of he and my mom when he was in 7th grade. When you get out of the small town, friendship feels more like world's colliding. In Franklin, it can feel more like you have always already known that person.

9. Everything is louder than the mighty Allegheny- You miss genuine quiet, or even the slight buzz of 322 and the sound of the river. Both my brother and I both have to listen to things to sleep, but city quiet is never quiet enough, so you are better off drowning it out.

10. Things other than Walmart (and formerly Kings) can be open at 3 in the morning- If it is very late, and you would like to do something or go somewhere, there are other options than "just drive around" or go to Walmart. Though I have found there are fewer King's or Eat'n Park-like establishments in the world than it needs.

11. Parking tickets can be expensive! No longer 2 bucks, every ticket for the rest of your life will remind you of Franklin as a parking utopia.

12. You have to tell your doctor your family history- Because he wasn't also your mom's doctor, or friends with your grandma, etc. I will say, I am cool with our baby not being delivered by the doctor who delivered me, which I know for a while happened a lot in Franklin. No one needs lady parts comparisons with their mother.

13. You can tell your family news before they hear it at the beauty salon or curves- My advice: tell everyone around the same time, or else your grandmas will discuss it at Curves before you get to them. Just because you have left Franklin doesn't mean that people won't still know your business, but the distance means you can at least put it out there at your own speed.

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Throwback: Top Five Things I Miss About Applefest (and Top Five Ideas We've Had for Making our Own)

 I wrote this two years ago, and if I wrote it today, mostly it would say the same things, with the addition that I would like to go see my dad's show. I doubt I will ever be ok with missing Applefest, though I do love our own little traditions now, and I bet lots of people feel this way. So here are my thoughts again...

I am feeling especially homesick this week, because it is Applefest back home this weekend. Franklin Applefest is a huge event in our town, and most FHS almuni go back for the weekend. We will never do that, because the Boy's family owns a restaurant downtown and my Dad is very often involved in the shows, so if we came home, no one would have time to hang out with us! So, this time of year I get pouty and start stating plans to move back as soon as possible.

So here are the things I miss most about Franklin Applefest every year:

1. The season- the air is crisp and cool, but most years it isn't too cold or too rainy (though those Applefests have definitely happened). The best part is that all the trees are starting to change color, so the whole area just looks beautiful. It is the BEST time of year to live in Pennsylvania. It's why fall is my favorite season, and I am pretty sure I am not the only one!

2. The Show! The Barrow Civic Theater always goes for a blockbuster at Applefest, so the show is often kind of "classic." I won't say they are all winners, but I love them when my Dad is directing. This year they are doing Oliver, and my Dad is the director, and everything I have heard is that the show is fantastic, so if you are in Western PA, buy tickets before they sell out (which they often do this weekend).

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3. It's genuine and un-ironic weirdness- you get this a lot in the crafts. We have a shockingly large collection of Applefest seashells (The Pope, Elvis, the American Flag with Native Americans, etc.) The crafts every year go from sweet to just bizarre, but they aren't trying to be cool or weird or ironic. They are just awesome. Plus, very often when you walk around the parks, you will just happen upon something really odd. That is the insane beauty of living in a small town. Things are odd, without trying to be odd.

4. You see EVERYONE you know- This is a picture of me and my cousin Harrison from 5 years ago. This weekend, you can see Harrison with his band at Bossa Nova's on Saturday. Everyone comes back, and when you do, you can't go 5 feet without running into someone else you know. Of course, this is a mixed bag, especially if you are like me and you don't exactly love the small talk, but so often you get to see like 50 people you love in the same hour, and now I understand what a huge freaking blessing that is.
5.The Food- I am happy whenever I am in walking distance from some cotton candy. You could also get a great hot sausage sandwich. The Methodist Church also has a giant pancake breakfast, where you again see everyone you have ever known ever.

Ok, so we again are stuck here this year, so I am pulling out the old Applefest decorations and pushing the boy to buy the stuff I need for Apple Pie. So many of the things we just can't replicate- the crafts, the fall weather, and  seeing people we love. Those are all out (though we are serving at the church Saturday night, so we can look forward to seeing people who vaguely know who we are, oh joy). So I try to focus on the food, the weird representations of fall, and when we can we watch the movie version of the Applefest show. This is what I think works:

1. Apple Cinamon Pancakes- This is NOT what they serve in the basement of the Methodist Church, but it is what we have found works over the year. We make a regular batch of bisquick, just like they say on the box, then add less than a tablespoon of brown sugar and about 3 good shakes of cinnamon.

To make the apples, cut up whichever apple you choose (we usually start with something like granny apple, but for an apple like that you may have to add a little extra sugar). Peal, core, and slice the 5-6 apples, as if you are making an apple pie. Saute the apples with 3 tbs. of butter and a pinch of salt. Do this for 15 minutes, and add a bunch of cinammon, a 1/8 cup of sugar, and a 1/2 cup of water and have it simmer down til it is a consistency you like. If it doesn't seem right yet, throw in some more water and a pinch more sugar, and keep at it. Put on pancakes and enjoy!

2.  Drink apple cider! This may be the best part of our tradition, because it is so good. Even better now that I have given up juice.

3. Embrace our weird crafts and decor- Yep, we bring in little mini pumpkins and buy the weirdest fall/ halloween decorations we can find. I think now that I have the wall in the dining room, I might make some of my own weird crafts and hang them!

4. Hot sausage sandwiches- I am not sure I have any tricks to share on how to make these awesome, except that The Boy Puts the onions and peppers on the bottom of the sandwich so they don't fall all over the place.

5. Bring in fall-colored flowers- this may seem like a stupid thing, but here it is still way hot outside and it looks like July. You wouldn't even know it is fall. Bringing in some natural, but fall-shaded stuff. I am thinking I will try the apple candle-holders later this week. I will let you know how it goes!

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